A PRAYER OF WONDER AND SEEKING
You are a God of divine wonders. Eternal. Outside of time. Sovereign with a set plan, yet allowing free choice. I cannot understand you. Your ways and thoughts are infinitely higher than my own. You rule over the nations and guide the constellations in their paths. You cause each individual flower to bloom in season while bringing together vast clouds to rain down prosperity and provision on the land. You watch over the righteous and use the evils of the wicked for your ultimate good plan. You fill my heart and mind with wonder. Who can comprehend you?
Lord, may I enjoy you? Grant me the pleasures of sweetness in your presence. Teach me how to find you; teach me how to seek you. Teach me how to drink from the overflowing wells of your glorious presence. I am so thirsty. And you’ve quenched that thirst. I’ve tasted and seen your goodness. But it is only a little you’ve given me. And even with that I am overwhelmed and thankful. But I long for more. More of your goodness. More of you. A single touch from you is a delicious feast for my soul. So touch me Lord, that I may drink deep.
DELIGHTING IN GOD / DESIRES BEING TWISTED
Among many things the Race has shown me the deep and unsatisfied longing I have for God, the well of living water. I am filled with prayers of longing and seeking and I’ve been deeply filled up by God in so many ways. But the more I’m filled the more I desire of Him and the more I seek Him. It is a quest revolving around my longing and delight and His benevolence and glory. Yet for all I’ve learned and grown in my intimacy with God, I’m still facing my own demons. Despite the benevolence of the Lord and the delight I find in Him, in impatience I seek to shortcut the system. It takes effort to seek. Effort that at times I’d rather not expend. Apathy turns me to find pleasure in the world rather than my satisfying Father. Yet the world cannot satisfy. So why do I keep turning to it I ask myself. The fiery claws of my own demons have left scars festering and ready to immobilize me. I have found healing and new strength in the Lord but the moment I take my eyes off Him the wounds are liable to open again. As long as my eyes are on my Lord I am safe but the demons He has freed me from are constantly trying to pull my attention away from Him.
I’ve had to continue to wrestle with desires these nine months. Desires are not bad. They can lead to sin but they are also what lead to the Lord. If I had no desires at all I would not seek satisfaction. I come to the Lord to quench the thirst of my soul. So I praise the Lord for the desire He’s put in me. But I wrestle with the fact that my desire can be so easily twisted to point me to all that is opposed to my good Father. And that I indulge in it! Grace is wonderful and I’ve focused on that a lot these past nine months but there comes a point where one wishes to be free of sin; to experience the walk without the falling; to be able to stand confidently in righteousness. But as the Lord told Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you. My power is perfected in weakness.”
GLORY IN MY SINS FORGIVEN
“I’m a torn man.
spirit fighting flesh.
there’s a battle raging deep in my chest.
and all that haunts me.
all that leaves a stain.
only sings the sweetness of my saviors grace.
Oh fortunate fall. My sins are stories of grace to recall.
Oh fortunate fall. I glory in my sins forgiven.”
-Kings Kaleidoscope, Felix Culpa
I desire righteousness but can’t help but see the beauty and truth in this song. The Lord allows sin for the purpose of showing His grace. His grace shows the great heights of His love. I should resist the urge to look back on my sins and be filled with regret or frustration. Repentance? Yes! But the Lord has allowed sin so that I may revel in His love for me. There is always pain in sin. But more powerful is the beauty of deliverance and redemption in Christ’s blood. So in light of grace I’m able to worship and fall deeper and deeper in love with my merciful gracious Father as I recall beautiful story after story of grace.
THE GLEAM OF A RIGHTEOUS DAWN
Does grace mean I shouldn’t fight for righteousness as hard as I can? Emphatically no! Sin is inevitable and grace will always shower me. If I don’t seek righteousness then my love for God is nothing more than self deception. The 4th Proverb has recently led me in many prayers for righteousness:
“Don’t do as the wicked do, and don’t follow the path of evildoers. Don’t even think about it; don’t go that way. Turn away and keep moving.” – Prov 4:14-15
Abba, this world has much to offer. Beautiful things for the eyes to greedily consume. Music and laughter fill my ears and drown you out. Tastes and smells leading to gluttony. A world of physical touch that blinds me from the spiritual. And my heart is lustful, always seeking to satisfy sinful flesh. Let me feast on you. For I will surely feast on something.
Yet I must not do as the wicked; I must not even think about it. The darkness overpowers. Temptation is a slippery slope. I’ve experienced it many times, yet it is still dangerous. Experience does not create safety. Lord help me to choose righteousness. You are infinitely better than any fleeting pleasure of the flesh. Help me to understand that in my heart, mind, and soul; may I have the will to turn from evil. You’ve given victory over sin yet the battle in my soul rages on. I wrestle with these things without end. I have no strength of my own. It is only by your grace I choose righteousness instead of sin. Yet it’s still my choice. I’ve had to choose it and I will always have to choose it. You won’t force my hand into righteousness. And the choice is hard.
I wonder why the choice is hard. For if I experienced true satisfaction in you then sin wouldn’t be tempting right? But perhaps that true satisfaction will not be available till the next life. In this life I get to show you how much I desire you by neglecting desires of the flesh. Though there is a thirst that won’t be quenched even by you in this life, there is still so much goodness of you that I have not tasted. Lead me to those wells Lord. Lead me in deeper revelations; towards sweeter wells.
“Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.” – Prov 4:25-27
Lord, let my eyes keep looking straight ahead. Keep me on the safe path. I ask these things knowing again that you’ve given me control over these things. You’ve given me a choice. But I also know you have a hand in it as well. A paradox I cannot explain or comprehend. But it is comforting. I have the choice, but I can trust that you are leading and empowering me at the same time. I don’t understand it, yet I thank you for it! So I ask for help. My focus is on you, God of countless wonders and mysteries that awe and dizzy my mind to simply think about. (Let alone see! Oh I love to imagine [however feebly] what that day will be like!) Give me strength by your grace to choose you over my flesh in the temptations bound to come.
“The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.” – Prov 4:18
The first choice of righteousness over sin is like the first gleam of dawn. It is the first ray of light in a wilderness of darkness. My heart is so full of lust; so full of youthful passion; so full of habitual and “natural” darkness. Will all this darkness overwhelm that first ray of light? That ray of light which is my victory (by your grace and my choice) from one battle; will it last? Darkness presses in on the glimmer of light from every side. Will it cower back and succumb to this present darkness? No! Don’t let it cower God! I call out for your help, though I know you’ve given me the choice in this matter. But I don’t trust myself. I have proven my weakness repeatedly. Show your strength in me. Let the light in me prevail. Give me the will for righteousness in the day of temptation.
For I know the more I choose righteousness the more the light will rise; the more the light will push back the darkness; the less overpowering the darkness will become. And as righteousness continues to be my choice, the light will be overpowering and the darkness cowering! There will always be some measure of temptation. But those temptations are lessened by living in righteousness; living in your good way. Light will keep the darkness at bay and one day you will destroy the darkness forever.
May the light of righteousness in me shine brighter each day, so that I may experience more perfectly the holy unity (trinity) of love that you’ve invited me into. Oh wonderful Abba God! That I may call you Abba still astounds me! God of all; my Abba? He’s adopted me? What? Not only that; He’s shed His precious blood and died an excruciating death in my place!? Too wonderful and good to be true! I cannot fathom it! You’ve invited me into your unity. Why and how could I ever settle for less? How can I choose anything but you!? Yet I again call for your help that I may choose you forever. You’re all I want; but I ask for a will and strength to overcome the passions of sin inside of me. You have given me victory over sin. Let me experience it!
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” – Prov 4:23
Abba, my heart is so stubborn and wants it’s own way. My heart is cold. It is deceitful, telling me I to seek the things of the world to satisfy the longing ache in my heart. Replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. Give me a heart that beats for you and you alone. For only you can satisfy, only you my Creator; the only one who truly understands my heart.
STORIES OF GRACE
My whole life I’ll be seeking righteousness, I’ll be struggling, I’ll be seeking and finding the goodness of God, I’ll be thirsting and quenched by Him, I’ll be walking and falling, I’ll be attempting and failing, I’ll be striving and desiring. It will go on and on. But I find so much peace in these words.
“Oh fortunate fall. My sins are stories of grace to recall.
Oh fortunate fall. I glory in my sins forgiven.”
