“Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink, even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk, it’s all free! Why spend y our money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen to me, and you will eat what is good. You will enjoy the finest food. Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, and you will find life. I will make an everlasting covenant with you. I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David.” Isaiah 55:1-3
I’ve greatly desired satisfaction like this recently. I’ve desired satisfaction from the Lord but I haven’t felt satisfied. I know this is truth and that I have access to all of this but achieving that access has been difficult. It is free, yet it feels so hard to find.
MINISTRY IN MYANMAR
Although my time in Maynmar has been really good it’s also been a time of confusion. Confusion at why I am here, what we are achieving, and what the Lord wants from me this month. Our ministry of teaching English has been very sporadic. Although we’ve been here for two weeks I feel like we’ve done very little. I’m in a culture with a completely foreign language. Sharing the Gospel with someone outright is unlikely to have little affect rather than offending someone. It’s difficult to find ways to do ministry each day. Some of the guys go skateboarding most days to build relationships there. The rest of us end up just trying to be consistent to going to different bakeries and making relationships there. Throughout the day we try to be as friendly as possible and share God’s love in little ways such as smiling and saying “ming gla ba” (hello) to everyone we cross paths with. There are many beggars here and I want to love on them well and be generous. But Teacher Mang has advised against giving them money. Since we don’t have a translator the only thing we can do is give them a little food. But it’s hard to see much point in it all.
Also, ever since leaving Guatemala I haven’t been nearly as disciplined. I’ve struggled to keep up with habits I started there. I’ve struggled with old temptations and distractions. My times in the Word have been less frequent and half hearted. I want to share with you guys an excerpt from my journal that I wrote/prayed after reading the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15.
PRAYER OF A PRODIGAL SON
I have been wandering through this world Lord. I have left your side. I have been seeking you but only half heartedly. The other half has been seeking peace and satisfaction wherever it can get it. Sexual impurity, laziness, selfish indulgence, pointless entertainments. I’ve been wandering. I am lost. All along I knew you are the answer. But I was tired of seeking you. It seemed easier to turn away. And you let me. You agreed. You’ll never force me to seek you but you’ll always be delighted when I do. Thank you for letting me make my own mistakes so that I’d see my need for you.
I’m so hungry and thirsty Lord. I am so full of pride. I think I know your Word well enough that I don’t need to read it. I think I know how to live. I know that’s not true but part of me thinks it is. I know I need you; I hunger and thirst for you; but seeking you is hard. I am weary. Part of me feels like I’m in a valley but another part of me thinks I’m fine. Honestly I don’t know. I am lost without you.
Humble me Lord. Teach me to live a holy life. Help me to understand that every little thing matters; every thought; every decision I make with my time; it all matters; it all affects our relationship either negatively or positively. Help me to always choose you.
Your mind is always on me; you love me and care for me. You are always considering me and my ways. For all my talk of practicing your presence, disciplining my mind to think or you, and enjoying stillness with you, I am ashamed at how easily I forget you and how long it takes me to remember.
And when I do remember you astound me. Like the Father you are filled with love and compassion and welcome me home as a prince! It is too wonderful for me. I don’t know how to respond. How can I love you in return?
It is a pure desire to want you. But sometimes it is so hard to find you. I just want you, not any theology, knowledge, or things to do or live by. So I sit and I try to meditate on you and be filled up solely by you; I end up falling asleep! When I pray my adorations seem empty, my confessions are short and cold (if I recognize my faults at all), my thanksgivings are routine and forced, my supplications are made out of obligation rather than love, and when I try to wonder about the future in praise I grow tired and give up. Oh how I need you. I cannot even seek you on my own strength. I need you to seek you. An impossible paradox; but I know you could do it. Help me find you again.
“My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me
What can be done
For an old heart like mine
Soften it up with oil and wine
The oil is you your spirit of love
Please wash me anew with the wine of your blood”
– Keith Green, My Eyes Are Dry
This song really captures how I’ve felt. I need you Abba, and nothing else. But I have neglected and taken for granted your Word. There you are always speaking. I have been seeking you through meditation and stillness hoping to find peace. At times I have found it but other times I have found nothing. You reveal yourself to me in the stillness but often it seems pointless. I must go to your Word. There you are always speaking. Reveal yourself to me Lord
I have often felt like the older son. Neglected and unappreciated. This has lead me to my wanderings and behaving like the younger. But the Father told the older: “Dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours.” Father, like the older son I have responsibility and work to do, but I also have access to untold resources. I have access to you. Let me feel appreciated and loved. The fact that I am with you every day does not diminish your love for me. Thank you. Keep me sustained and satisfied in your love.
FINDING PEACE
It’s been a couple days since I prayed this prayer. I’m still trying set up good habits of spending time with God daily in His Word, in stillness, and in prayer, while overcoming temptations and distractions. As I’m seeking the Lord I am making my way out of the valley. And I know I’ll find good things. I’ve already learned a lot from Myanmar. I’ve learned how important it is to seek Jesus even when I don’t feel like it. I’ve learned the importance of abiding in the vine throughout my day and choosing Jesus in the small things (even though I’m still very undisciplined in both of these things). I know the Lord has me here for a reason. I know He is working. He is always working. Even when I don’t see it or feel it He’s doing great things. I just need to keep my eyes open for where the Lord wants to use me. But this is not a burden. It’s a privilege.
I’ve found comfort in this passage. I have been struggling with thorns. And often it seems pointless. Often I want to give up and just accept God’s grace. But I know there is hope for a different life. I know that Jesus has healing and restoration for me. I just need to keep seeking Him, especially in the Word. Good things are coming. Good things always spring from the Bread of Life. I’m realizing my pride more and more. Through it all I feel God’s crazy love drawing me ever closer in intimacy with Him.
“The rain and the snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I sent it. You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.” Isaiah 55:10-13
