“Be With Me”
Being an introvert, getting back from WR training camp (on the 20th) I was excited to spend as much alone time as I could before being immersed in awesome community for nine months (which will be stretching but great). I was expecting to get home and have really sincere, rejuvenating, and peace giving alone times with God both in the Word, in nature, in prayer, and silence and meditation.
These hopes were dashed by my own apathy and the apparent absence of God. I admit I definitely didn’t spend habitual and committed times in the Word the first ten days of being back, but when I did they were lifeless and dry. I was much less devoted to daily prayers and when I did get around to them they felt forced and unnatural. I felt numb to God’s presence in my life. Despite my high expectation during training camp, past temptations haven’t been absent either.
Feeling frustrated; conflicted; and guilty because of my apathy, numbness, and my failure to resist temptations, I came before the LORD. Once again I read through Psalm 51. I prayed to God asking for relief, healing, and restoration. In response the Holy Spirit prompted me to go outside under the stars. I didn’t want to. I waited for God to reveal something to me there in my room. Again I felt called outside. I realized as long as I ignored this call God would remain silent. I went outside expectant of some revelation. “What would you like to say God? I am hear listening. What knowledge will help me regain intimacy with you? What do I need to do to feel your presence again.” I sat and waited for God to respond. Deep inside I thought (but I know it was the Holy Spirit telling me): “You don’t need to do anything. You don’t need to know anything… Just be with me.” I waited for more… No great revelation came; no spontaneous feeling of God’s Spirit; no great knowledge of what to do or how to live. Yet my heart found peace with that simple word from the Spirit.
The Lord is so full of grace. He doesn’t require works that I’ll fail at. He just wants me and I just want Him. “Just be with me,” He says. “Wonder and marvel at my creation and at me. Enjoy everything I have blessed you with. Rejoice, again I say rejoice. For being with me is all you will ever need.” And so I sat out there simply being with my LORD. I was comforted and reassured by the words He had chosen to give; even though it wasn’t the experience or word I had expected
They Are His Mountains
Despite that encouragement and word from the LORD I continued in apathy for the next several days. I continued playing board games with the family, reading books for pleasure, chilling at the pool, and watching movies as a family. All good things; but all distracting me from the one thing I needed; time alone with my Creator in the Word, in prayer, and in contemplation. I was not being with God.
Beginning of August I picked up a daily devotional book: Streams in the Desert. I’ll paraphrase what I read:
“We all have mountains in our lives which tend to test us or block our progress in the spiritual life. Often we run from these things and pray for their removal. We tend to think that if only these were removed we would live a more holy life and we would experience immediate victory. Stop running; face your trials in Him. Remember they are God’s mountains. He puts them there for a reason. We know He will never fail to keep His promises. So don’t pray for an easier life; pray to be a stronger person! An easy life does not lift us up but only takes us down. It is difficulties that ultimately lead us to greatness. Greatness is not found by walking the moss covered path laid out for us through the meadow. It is found by scaling the mountain with nothing but God and a desire to follow Him. In the midst of trials and darkness give thanks; for it is good to give praise to the LORD.
It might be a bit dramatic to say my spiritual life matches the picture above; but that’s how I’ve kinda felt. There have been a good moment or two with God but I have not had a strong desire to be with Him. I’ve wanted for the LORD to simply remove me from this desert and place me in beautiful lands where I am excited to spend time with Him and receive life from Him. But I must walk through this desert to get to the rivers of living water that I seek. The only way to find refreshment and delight in Him again is to devote myself all the more fully to Him while in this desert even when I feel nothing.
I need to remember that God has me in this desert for a reason and wants me to come to Him despite the struggle. He wants me to faithfully walk it with Him, even when I don’t feel His guiding hand. I may feel like I’m wandering in circles and not making any ground. But whether I feel it or not God is guiding me. If I trust Him and keep moving forward I will get to the river in His perfect timing.
Faith is shown and strengthened when I behave faithfully when I feel and see nothing and seem to get nothing in return for my effort. It’s easy to be faithful when I feel God’s presence. It is good to feel God; but I can’t expect that to last continually. I must use in the dark what I learned in the light; trusting that the darkness won’t last forever.
In the midst of this desert it’s easy for me to focus on how little I’m feeling God or how little growth I am making. But it’s important in this time to give thanks. God wants me to stop worrying about how to get out of this desert. Instead, He wants me to think about Him; what He’s done, what He’s promised; who He is. Yes, I may be facing hardship, but God is with me. Yes, I may not feel His presence, but God is directing me. Yes, I may have no idea what’s going on, but God has a plan. Yes, the future is unknown but God is sovereign and faithful. Yes I am so so thirsty, but God has promised to quench that thirst. I just need to trust Him. Giving thanks shows God that I trust Him.
Wonder and Thirst
I was encouraged by these devotionals but they didn’t take me out of the desert. I’ve still struggled with apathy and temptation though I have felt more of a desire to pray under the stars. One night doing just that I was filled with wonder and marvel. Looking up into the empty vastness of the universe I realize how small and unimportant I am. It makes me wonder why so great a God would care for an insignificant being like me. I wonder even more at the thought that to Him I am not insignificant. I am crafted and being molded according to His timeless plan. I have been adopted into His family and no matter how many times I screw up He’s simply delighted that I recognize my sin and accept His forgiveness. He cherishes me; I am His beloved son whom He delights in. “The same way a loving father feels toward his children; that’s but a sample of your tender feelings toward us, your beloved children, who live in awe of you.” – Psalm 103:13
Under the stars I often wonder about my future and where the Lord will lead me; I marvel at the fact that He who crafted the shining stars in the heavens has also crafted me and is leading me into His perfect plan. Even though I don’t know what’s next I know it will be exciting and full of Abba’s goodness for me. I wonder about my future on the Race and beyond; future education, future careers, future adventures, and especially future relationships both with friends and with a wife. Life is so full of uncertainties and possibilities, yet I take comfort in the words of the Psalmist:
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139%3A1-6&version=TPT
A couple nights ago I sat and marveled under the stars once again. I was spending a lot of time in confession when I realized is that I’ve been trying to deal with the symptoms of sin rather than sin itself. The problem isn’t that I’m overly lustful, apathetic, angry, etc. The problem is that I am not finding joy and delight in the Lord. Despite what He has done and what He offers I very rarely live in His grace, His peace, His joy, His love. I am so thirsty for God; yet I so rarely acknowledge that my thirst is for Him; I try to quench it with instant entertainment and pleasure; these things only leaves me thirstier. God has given me the means to quench my thirst in Jesus. But I have to choose Jesus. I have to continually choose Jesus; day by day and moment by moment. Choosing Jesus will mean battling the desires of the flesh, but in His way I will find life. I need to focus less on God’s laws and commandments and more on His grace, forgiveness, and adoption. I must learn to abide in Jesus; learning to accept His love and love Him in return.
He Leads Me
I’m still in the midst of this desert. Yet as I’ve worked on this blog and spent some times in the Word and in prayer under the stars God has shown up. It hasn’t been in huge revelations or in waves of feeling but it’s been in nuggets of truth and comfort and hope. I’m still struggling to put God first when I don’t feel Him. But I know God is leading me through the desert and to the river of life that is Himself. I walk by faith and not by sight; but in time God will grant me sight. He will not let me grope about in the desert forever. He will quench my thirst. But for now I just need to trust Him and be with Him.
Not to say that life will be easy when I get out of this spiritual desert. I will still struggle with apathy and temptation. I will still be a ragamuffin who continually needs to be reminded that there is a better way. I will continually need to be reminded that it is most important to just be with God. He’s always available and like this passage says, He’s always ready to love and provide for His children that have lost their way.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+103%3A8-12&version=TPT
