It’s been almost two weeks since World Race Training Camp and I’ve finally willed myself to write a blog on it. It was awesome practice to live out of a backpack in a tent and discover what I need to bring on the actual Race and what I don’t need to bring. It was exciting and new for me to experience a very small taste of what other cultures will be like. It was so surprising in the best way to be put on a team of seven other guys when I was expecting to be put on a team of mostly girls. All of them I already love like brothers and I’m so pumped to become family with them over the next year. But most importantly God touched my heart and reassured me that the Race is where God wants me in the upcoming year.
Going into training camp I was anxious about meeting people and making friends. Being an introvert meeting the 50 people on my squad and then being surrounded by another 180 racers at training camp was somewhat out of my comfort zone.
In the next couple days I realized that I am insecure about my self worth. I desire to be seen and known but am worried about how others will perceive my actions. I feel out of place because of my lack of relatability due to my different growing up experience and my passiveness. I fell into the trap of comparing myself, especially to the other guys on my team. Most of the guys on my team are outgoing, relational, and relatable; everyone loves them. As I compared, lies of the enemy sparked up in my mind: “I’m less joyful than him. I can’t relate to people like he can. I don’t love on others like he does. I have less energy than Him. I’m not as fun as he is. I’m unneeded.
During our first worship one of the leaders opened by telling us to worship in whatever way we felt lead whether it be dancing up and down or kneeling down. This is a safe place with no judgment and no comparison, he said. But comparison was all I could focus on that first night of very spontaneous worship. All those around me in the front row were charismatic and full of energy (those were the only ones I noticed at least). I was distracted and uncomfortable and afraid of what others thought of me. I couldn’t help but compare; I felt out of place and nonspiritual.
During the following worships I was able to focus on God rather than on those around me and I actually grew to enjoy the spontaneous and Holy Spirit lead form of worship that we practiced. But there were still moments of comparison. Others seemed much more “in touch” with the Holy Spirit. More lies struck me in these moments. “I don’t know the Holy Spirit like they do. Because my worship isn’t charismatic it isn’t worth anything. I don’t belong here.”
At one point during a worship when I was really struggling with comparison and feeling inadequate one of my squad leaders, Caleb, came and told me what the Holy Spirit had put on his heart for me. He told me that though I am different and feel out of place God wants me here. He loves my differences and has a beautiful plan and purpose for them even if they seem to make life harder. He has and is making me into the man who He wants me to be and is growing me to be a leader.
During training we talked a lot about intimacy with God and listening and obeying the Holy Spirit. I’ve had very few instances where I’ve felt legitimately lead by the Holy Spirit to do or say something. And when I may have I second guess myself over and over again thinking it may have been my own thought and not at all in line with the Holy Spirit. We had several “activations” over the training to listen to the Holy Spirit and speak over/encourage our teammates. I really struggled with this. Maybe it’s just cause it was very new to me but I did not feel lead by the Holy Spirit in those times and really struggled with deciphering what were my thoughts and what were thoughts the Holy Spirit wanted me to communicate. As always I turned to comparison; it did not seem to be a struggle to some of my teammates.
During another worship I cried out to God in confusion asking why I don’t hear Him like others do. Why don’t I strongly feel the Holy Spirit prompt me to do or say things? I wondered if I actually do and am just ignoring it? In the midst of my confusion God spoke to me through one of the worship leaders: “I delight in you my child.” It wasn’t an answer to my question but it was the response I needed. I was so worried about feeling and doing the right thing to feel accepted and in the right place. I had lost sight of the fact that God knows and loves me and has me here for a reason. He has shaped me to be who I am and He has brought that me here. He hasn’t brought me here to compare myself to others and try to imitate them. Yes, He wants me to grow and be stretched but He also wants me to abide in His love and acceptance as I am.
During the last worship I began to compare myself again as all of my other teammates seemed to be experiencing the Holy Spirit in deep intimacy, while I wasn’t feeling anything unusual. Before lies could flood my head one of my teammates came up to me and asked if I’d felt unfit for the Race at all during the past ten days. The lies I’d been experiencing the whole training had been telling me just that. He told me that the Holy Spirit had given him this word for me: beautiful fit. This word was such a comfort to me and such a reassurance that God has me on the Race for a beautiful and good purpose.
The World Race training camp was many things. It was eye opening, stretching, exhausting, an adventure, but most of all reassuring. Not just of my choice to go on the Race but also of God’s good and perfect plan for me. He is shaping me into the vessel He wants me to be. He has not and will not make any mistakes with me. I cannot ruin His work in me. He is making me into a unique vessel and I don’t need to conform to the image of any other. Indeed I should not attempt to do so except for the image of Jesus. My connection with Him and my relationship with Him is completely unique and will not be alike to anyone elses. Therefore I shouldn’t ever compare and feel that I am less worthy because I don’t experience God in the same ways as others.
God has put me on this team of guys for a reason and purpose. None of them are superior to me and I am not superior to any one of them. There is intention and beauty in our differences. We are all different parts of the same body and we all have the same mission: to go and share the Good News and the love of Jesus to all peoples.
