After living three months in Costa Rica I have posted only one blog. THREE MONTHS! I wish I could say it was because I was too busy loving life, and therefore didn’t have the time, but that’s not this kind of an update. Quite the contrary, this season has been the most testing time of my life, and I have never been so close to a breaking point. The thought of going home has even crossed my mind on more than one occasion. So here I am, breaking the silence, and letting you into the struggle that comes when the Lord closes doors on dreams and the enemy invades them.
If you have read my “About Me” page, you would know that one of the major ways The Lord placed the World Race on my heart (more precisely, missions as a whole) was through my love towards Costa Rica. I don’t remember the details of where such a love came from, but I know it shaped a lot of decisions about my future plans. Coming on the race my eye was definitely on this country, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have expectations upon coming here. I thought questions would be answered, and the puzzle pieces would fall into place. Unfortunately, I was right… they did. Just not exactly the way I expected. As far as I was concerned, before stepping on Costa Rica’s tropical soil, spiritual warfare was practically a myth, and if not a myth, I was at least under the illusion that I was untouchable. However, the time comes to grow up, and when it does, the beautifully protective smoke screen must come down. As we were tucked away in the mountains at debrief celebrating our being “halfway there,” struggles began to subtly creep in.1 I have traced the start of the enemy’s pursuit to such a time – undoubtedly triggered by the Lord speaking through me constantly – as well as intimacy with the Father greater than I had ever experienced prior. 2 I was on fire and beyond empowered leaving those mountains. However, things quickly changed…
First, there were the nightmares. Night after night, I awoke in cold sweats, terrified by the images that danced in my head, the shadows that appeared on my walls, and the strange noises in the night. I couldn’t breathe, and I often found myself locked in the bathroom with the lights on – that is, only if I could muster up the courage to come out from under my covers. I will spare you the details of what these nightmares entailed, but it took me approximately two weeks to realize they were telling a story – a story purposefully planted to feed into my deepest insecurities.
Then, there was the anxiety. The lack of sleep merged with my great fears caused unnatural anxiety throughout the day. I would wake up each day only to dread leaving my room. I’m highly relational (something which is not a secret to those who know me, even those who don’t for that matter), which is why a seed of deep confusion was planted in me when I found myself retreating from people. I could hardly hold a conversation with those around me. Time with my team was near impossible, being around the squad was unthinkable, and ministry was dare I say… hell.3
Finally, there was the sickness. I am no stranger to the occasional migraine (I’ve had them since I was little, and they have been fairly limited for the entirety of the race), but this time they were unbearable. I went to bed with migraines and awoke with them. Kids danced around me all day, and all I could do was hold my head and pray desperately for the pain to stop. Within a week of this spiritual warfare, I also acquired a terrible cold. It hit me the day of my birthday (a day I had naturally anticipated for so long). I could barely find the energy to breathe, my chest ached, and my head swam. After about a week (for the first time in four months, but unfortunately not the last), I stayed home from ministry. A month later (after the tragic loss of one of my teeth 4), I found myself once again locked in the bathroom – this time kneeling over the toilet with some unidentified virus. I missed ministry again for not only one, but two days. As soon as the last bit of nausea began to fade, the second part of a cold crept back in. Migraines, nausea, and colds! Oh my! See what I did there?
I decided (after two weeks) that I was under attack. This was a warfare of the spiritual kind, and I was definitely NOT untouchable. I became not only angry, but also afraid, confused, and simply beyond exhausted. The worst part was not even any of the things stated above. The worst part was that the enemy actually convinced me I had not only failed God, but that these things were from Him. Was He trying to tell me something? Teach me something? Was I in trouble? Being punished? I tried to have quiet times to seek answers, but every time I did instantly a migraine ensued or my vision went blurry. I felt I wasn’t good enough, and there was not a trace of strength or worth in me. I believed my Father was ashamed of me, and I dared to think He had possibly even turned away. I must say: I could identify the lies – I just didn’t know how to combat them. I was losing, and losing bad. It’s during intense times like these though where The Lord has a funny way of meeting you…
Because:
When I felt I was failing at ministry:
Philemon 1:6
“ and I pray that the sharing of your faith may become effective for the full knowledge of every good thing that is in us for the sake of Christ”
the Lord revealed His truth and heart.
When I felt I couldn’t make it through the night:
Romans 13:12
“ the night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness, and put on the armor of light”
The Lord revealed His power.
When I felt I was leading others astray in my hurt:
Malachi 2:6
“true instruction was in his mouth, and no wrong was on his lips. He walked with me in peace and uprightness, and he turned many from iniquity”
The Lord revealed His sovereignty
When I felt I was useless for The Kingdom:
1 Corinthians 15:58
“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.”
The Lord revealed His faithfulness
When I felt weak:
Romans 8: 38-39
“in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
The Lord revealed His authority
When I felt hopeless:
Psalm 37:26
“my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”
The Lord revealed His strength.
When I felt I had been overcome:
Psalm 46:5
“God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns”
He revealed His love
When I felt scared:
Joshua 1:9
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
He revealed His presence.
When I felt that this whole season was useless and desired it to end:
James 1:2-3
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”
He revealed His purpose and favor
It took stepping back to realize that the Lord was present during all the hardship, but He had produced none of it. He remained faithful every step of the way, and He never, never turned His face from me. The truth was in His living breathing word. His word is our sword, and its purpose is to combat the enemy who only desires to lie and cheat. This season has been far from easy, but it has been every bit needed. I have learned more about myself, my identity, and my authority in Christ than ever before. The irony is the same plot the enemy used to tear me down, my Heavenly Father used to build me up. I don’t doubt I will be attacked again – that’s the cost of choosing a life lived for Christ, but I wont shy away. I will combat it. His perfect Love has cast out my fear. The truth is that we, His heirs, are more than conquerors! It might not be obvious right away, and (I must admit) it has taken me the full two and a half months of combating to truly see The Lord’s hand in all of it. However, I truly believe though The Lord was able to use such a time to close the door on parts of this dream, I am happy to say He’s opened the door to new (and magnificently improved) ones with Him!
So please, no matter the trial, never doubt his love – for it never fails, gives up, or runs out. Press into the difficulty and trust in The Lord. Find joy in everything that may come. Joy isn’t the absence of pain; rather, it’s the presence of remembering what the Lord has done before. That’s the lifestyle I’m choosing into from now on, and I will settle for nothing less. I will remember this time when new challenges inevitably arise, and I will continually and gratefully add to my testimony.
So that is it. The silence is broken, and that is what is to be said. Here’s to another three months on this journey and to the rest of my life of falling in love with Lord everyday in new (possibly challenging) ways. I wouldn’t trade it for all the ice cream in the world. 5
- In my original drafts of this blog I emphasized the fact that we were “halfway there” implicating how I was battling such a season by “living on a prayer.” The intentions of such word play were for the sole purpose of getting that catchy Bon Jovi song stuck in your head. I never posted those blogs. I’m now reclaiming the opportunity. (The enemy can steal and cheat a lot, but he will not remove the opportunity for me to implement such subliminal mind control, and he no longer has the authority to steal more of my joy. You are welcome.)
- I am no detective, however, as the wise Sherlock Holmes once said “Elementary, dear Watson!”
- Pardon my French
- It was a baby tooth – don’t worry. Yes, I know I’m 19 years old – it happens. I have my reasons. It did in fact break (only a little) first on a plantain chip, then completely in half by beans and rice (yes, beans and rice), and, finally, the rest was ever so gracefully extracted by a lovely dentist, who stabbed me a wonderful twenty times with a numbing needle. Fun. Please, no judgement. (P.S My big kid tooth is growing in nicely (thanks for asking)
- Please recognize the gravity of such a statement.
