This is a love story. A romantic one. The one where God saved the damsel in distress, and at her lowest point he didn’t condemn her but instead gave her a kiss, allowing her to wake up from darkness and deceit. This is a story of how a Religion was transformed into a divine Relationship.
First, do you know what it’s like to be angry at God? Or even what it’s like to be angry at a parent? The classic, “It’s not fair! I’m right and you’re wrong!” And no matter how much you whine, kick, or scream, they just don’t seem to listen or understand. When you’re in that anger, you just don’t want to listen. They are right of course, but to you it seems like they couldn’t get any more uncool than they are at that moment.
This scenario, or interaction rather, is the state of my entire last year. Let’s just say that God and I were at odds. In my perspective, I have lived faithfully my whole life. I obey my parents (mostly), and was the good kid who didn’t go anywhere I wasn’t supposed to without asking. Like I said, “faithful”. God however has a pretty nice view from where He sits; a view that can see right into my heart. And with this view, he saw a heart with the right morals perhaps, but not the right spirit. I was relying on the world and not him. He being the good father he is, was NOT going to let that slide. And me being the classic child that I am, was going to put up a fight.
I was a junior in high school at the time and God chose the very best/worst punishment he could give me. Isolating me around people. You may ask “Emma, what on earth could you possibly mean by that oxymoronic claim?” Allow me to clarify, or rather contextualize. I am an extrovert and thrive around people. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being alone, BUT I do mind being or feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. You know the feeling. It’s the one where you are at a party and you know no one, so you’re just standing in a corner watching everyone have fun. Without you. The ABSOLUTE worst.
So Junior year, I’m not connecting with anyone, I have no real friends inside or outside of school. People were constantly coming to me for advice and support. I was exhausted, running on empty. Trying to pour out what I didn’t have. As a result I was sinking deep into a depression, I was at the bottom of a frictionless pit that I couldn’t climb out of, and that got me angry. So of course rather than evaluating my own heart or pressing into God, I pushed away. I blamed him for it all, how could my father turn on me like that? After all the years of my service!? Why was he pushing me away? What had I done!? But little did I know that what God was doing was not in fact punishment, but rather a divine kiss. God wasn’t isolating me from him or his kingdom, but instead he was drawing me closer. One day He knelt beside me, wrapped me in his arms, and whispered in my ear “Beloved, you are not the world’s, you are MINE.” In tears I cried, “I cannot do this alone.” That night God made it clear that as long as I was relying on the world, I was and always would be alone. But as soon as I pressed deep into my fathers love, I would never be alone.
I prayed that night that God would bless me with people my age who loved him as deeply as I did, people who made him the center of their life. It took an entire year for me to reestablish a deep foundation with Christ. Now that I have solidified a dependence on Christ, and Christ alone, I have the freedom to seek, receive from, and pour into community. God never desired me to be alone, he treasures my social heart. However, He always knew that I could never give what I didn’t have, which was him and his love.
And now his gift: Living 9 months with a community of about 50 precious people, who love God as deeply as I do, and who have made Christ the center of their life. God heard my cry, and because I trusted him and his timing he has not only provided, but he has multiplied. I have a community, I have a church, and I have a loving Father.
