A few days ago I felt led to fast. This time it was to fast from eating, wearing my glasses, using my phone, and speaking. Yikes…so the day was off. It wasn’t long before I forgot that I was fasting from eating and munched on some Cyprus desserts after church. Then came home and taste-tested the cake batter for Casey’s birthday cake…and then the frosting. And then accidentally spoke up when trying to hide the cake from the birthday girl. And grabbed my phone to make a quick google search. And so the list of failures during the fast grew quickly. I started beating myself up because I had messed up so many times in just the first few hours.
So I sat there in a puddle of tears because I was so upset at myself. The words of a teammates prayer surrounded me and I could sense the reaction of my sweet Father as He forgave me over and over agin for each mistake. He IS a gracious Father. As the anger towards myself grew, His arms kept pulling me tighter towards Him and it felt like He was reassuring me that He doesn’t care about my failures, He cares about my heart.
This is a truth that for some reason hits a root that lies deep within me. I reflected on this idea of why I beat myself up when I make mistakes? And now I can see how for nearly my entire life I have been responding in this way. It seems that whenever I have made a mistake or done something out of line or messed up, I began disciplining myself and getting mad at myself. In some ways, this can be seen as a good thing. But I’ve been using it to defend and protect myself which is unhealthy. Instead of taking the consequences from another person (whether it be their anger or impatience towards me), I would get mad at myself so that the person would instead show sympathy towards me because they would see that I was already beating myself up. A tactic I think I’ve been using to protect myself from being hurt by others. I would rather tear myself down than let someone else tear me down. Honestly, I see it as a lack of trust in God because I haven’t been trusting that if someone else hurts me, then God can and will be my healer and comforter.
The fast on Sunday ended that same afternoon. And I think it’s because God was showing me how much love and grace He pours out on me and how much He wants me to offer that to myself. And it didn’t take long for Him to show me that (haha).
I want to learn how to trust God in transforming me out of this unhealthy defense mechanism. How do I give myself grace when I mess up, how do I take the discipline of others and risk being hurt, and how much more will I be able to offer grace to others when they mess up. I think I will get to experience even more of God as He walks me through this lesson. And I can’t wait!
PRAYER UPDATE:
We are moving into Lebanon tomorrow and I am substituting in as Team Leader for the month. Prayers for safety in our new country and guidance and attuning my ear to the Spirit as I lead our team.
