I came on the race expecting to come home a different person. To have become extroverted, loud, friends with everyone, have enough stories to fill a book, be well versed in sharing the gospel, performing healings—you know, a true apostle.
But the truth is, I’m still me. I didn’t change in all the ways I was so desperate to. I’m still shy, it still takes a long time for me to like people. I’m still not normally super loud and outgoing, I’m still introverted, I still like being alone.
I have radically changed but where expected to be changed in the ways that are obvious, but It’s the parts of me that aren’t obvious that have actually been changed.
I used to really not like myself. I wasn’t the person I thought I should be and no matter how hard I tried I still wasn’t that person, masks are hard to wear and even harder to take off.
I was insecure. I believed so many lies. I was angry and hurt but repressed it all. I was mad at God but didn’t know it. I didn’t believe that God was actually good, I thought that he left me and put me in hard times and situations so that I would suffer and become “enough.” Strong enough to serve him and not be needy for him.
I avoided conflict or anything that was emotionally hard or awkward at all costs. No one could ever get close enough to me to see all of me, the good and bad, because I feared rejection so deeply. I thought that I wasn’t worthy of love or much of anything.
I was a broken, anxious, denying, terrified girl when I left nine months ago and didn’t even know it.
I realized in Africa that I’m still not the girl I wanted to be, still want to be sometimes, and I got sad.
Then I realized that that’s actually amazing. I’m me.
I’ve fought hard to find me and be me. I still am fighting to figure it out.
I’ve found and let go of the hurts and the lies. I’ve cast off chains. Chains of depression that I didn’t even know I had, unforgiveness, an eating disorder, doubt, shame, insecurity, anxiety.
I’ve learned how to fight for freedom, to not run away from the hard things that hurt a lot, to fight for my relationship with God and with people, to fight apathy.
I’ve learned what true friendships look like, how to be vulnerable and have hard conversations. I still hate having hard conversations, but I’ve learned that conflict is healthy and okay.
I’ve learned to love the things about myself that I used to hate.
I’m slow to trust and be my self with people because I only want the best people to be my best friends. I love efficiency and am task oriented. I still cannot draw or paint. I’m a thinker I find emotions to be draining, I love deep conversations, watching the stars, and a good book. The wind makes me feel alive. I think worst case scenario and it’s amazing because I can see all kinds of danger coming from miles away, I can see the issues in most things quickly (what I used to call problem seeker) and that means I can help fix them. I have a piece of adventure inside of me, I have to taste and see and explore. When I love someone I love them deeply, with all my heart. I am needy for the Lord, I’m not even close to strong enough.
The most amazing thing that I’ve learned is that I am truly and deeply love by God and that I can’t ever fail him. That the Holy Spirit is meant to be my helper and friend. That I can have a relationship with him, that he can be and is becoming my best friend.
Whether or not I feel it in each day and moment, I know that I am beautiful, bold, and courageous. I can speak who I am even if I’m not being who I am in that second.
I am a woman who walks in authority and confidence.
I am me and I love who I am.
-elli
