What is love? Some would point you to 1 Corinthians 13, others would say that love is action or something you feel. All are true.
I have found love to be completely seen, utterly known, and still to be deeply desired.
My whole life I have known that God loves me, that I’m made in his image, a part of the body of Christ, and all those things that we learn in Sunday school. They have been drilled into my head since before i could walk.
I knew all these things but very rarely felt them. There were brief encounters when I would step into his presence and be swept away by the “things”— His love, His acceptance. But they were only moments—so surreal I wasn’t even sure that they really happened.
A part of me yearned for this great love that was spoken about to be a part of my daily life but I told myself to suck it up. Needing to feel loved was for the needy and I was NOT a needy person. It wasn’t okay for me to be needy because I was not one of those cliche people seeking to be validated or “just needing to be loved.”
In reality I was terrified. Scared that if I hadn’t felt his love by this point then there was something wrong with me. That his “grace was sufficient” but just not sufficient enough for me. That some deep dark part of me wasn’t worthy, that I would seek this love and be rejected or not able to reach it. But of course I never admitted any of this to myself.
About three weeks ago we did an activation (a sort of training that we do every Thursday) on being baptized in the Holy Spirit. About how it was like being burned with fire because you will never be the same.
Long story short I ended up in the front of the room, on my knees, both intrigued with and wanting this fire.
One of the leaders talked about how we have to let God into our whole hearts; even the dark and diseased parts have to be his.
I got a vision (haha yeah) of me, bound by string. The string was my safety, it kept other people from getting too close to me, and me to other people—it kept me nice and put together. If you are bound you cannot fall apart.
It also kept God at a distance.
Then i saw God come down and cut my string away and it was as if for the first time I could breath.
Then as someone spoke their vision over us, I walked into the throne room of God.
I walked up to God, anxious, but clothed in white because I am clean and pure, his bride.
God looked into my eyes. Not just into my eyes but into the very depths of my being and all fear fled. He looked into all the dark, the “yucky”, but he called me perfection. He said that he delights in me. That I am his special creation, wholly seen and deeply loved. His beloved. He is amazed, honored that I chose to give him my heart.
He held me, danced with me, and told me to give him my all—to fall in love with him.
In that moment I felt the overwhelming weight of his love. I still feel it. It is something that i have to seek but that I can find.
Because I am fully seen I can be deeply loved.
I am now just falling in love. Hopelessly and irrevocably in love. Not with God as my father or my friend, but as my groom.
Each day, as hard as they can be, he sings truths over me.
Calling me to be more than I think is possible for me to be.
With love,
Elli
(Also just found out I have salmonella and a parasite, be praying for ya girl)
