I have a friend with benefits. Many benefits. Unfortunately, I’ve let the benefits – there are many, sort of become the central focus of our relationship. At times I wonder if I’m contributing much at all. Thinking over our relationship, it’s kinda parasitic, I ask for this or that, most times I get what I’m after, sometimes I don’t and I have the audacity to blame or pout — then I go on my way. I know there just has to be more to it than this. It’s so one sided and it makes me sick. I feel like I’m just stringing my friend along. So what, do I cut it off? Do I try to reconcile? How do I repay this person? There is really no way I could… Maybe I could just start with being with them without my agenda? Not seeking personal gain, but actually just them — our relationship.
Now, unfortunately in our culture this is a real thing. It’s transactional, and it’s sick. People are made in the image of God and therefore have intrinsic value as they reflect the Creator, but are used and abused by each other for “benefits”. It is all done without real commitment and with a goal to absolve personal responsibility. The term “friend with benefits” usually describes a relationship that is primarily sexual in nature. It’s basically prostitution without physical payment.
You can imagine the conviction of the Holy Spirit that came my way when I realized this approach to relationship is what I was doing with Him. Not the sexual part. With the God of the Universe, I came before him not for our relationship, but for the benefits of our relationship. Over and over again. This was not my approach just once, but many times over. Kinda like the Israelites who were prostituting themselves out to idols, I almost always was coming to God with MY agenda. Maybe that’s a little extreme, but in a way I wasn’t worshipping God but myself. Not always, but often. I was expecting Him to do whatever I wanted and how I wanted because, well it “lines up” with Scripture. God is faithful. He does fulfill His promises. His word is true. But He tests the heart, and mine was not sold out after Him. My heart was after answers to questions, safety, security, power, and comfort. Those things are found in Him. They aren’t wrong. The crazy thing is He was supplying answers, moving in power, and I’m always safe and secure in Him, yet I was continually just missing it. Not to be too hard on myself — I can’t really offer God anything He hasn’t given me in the first place, but I can help taking Him for granted. I can decide I’m going to seek the giver and not just the gifts. I should come to Him honestly and with all my problems, pouring them out thereby acknowledging that I can’t do anything truly without Him, and when I do that I should be grateful for how He has ALREADY intervened. I should be thankful that He loves me as His CHILD not just his ambassador or worker or missionary. Without His divine order nothing in the universe runs. Yet, my heart condition is God’s concern for our relationship. He has invited me, and all of us, to partner with Him in running things and bringing His heavenly Kingdom to earth, but his concern is that, seek first Him and His Kingdom. The promise is everything else will be added. We will reap a harvest that we didn’t even labor for. All of our needs will be supplied according to His riches and glory. Benefits are endless. Greater works than those that Jesus Himself has done you will do. Etc. Etc. Etc.
But how do I be a person after God’s own heart?
So, I’ve gotten up at 5am for two weeks. I’ve sought understanding around my questions — prayer in tounges, aliens, dinosaurs, pangea, the Tower of Babel, Noah’s Arc, will I get married, is God proud of me, am I making a difference, will this trip get funded, what job should I have next, what about my family, where should I stay, how will I fulfill God’s plan for me, and what even am I doing up this early if you’re not going to speak clearly to all my stirring thoughts God?
I was earnestly seeking a move of God for X squad and team Kindle and to play an active role in that. I was showing up for ministry, praying bold prayers over others, and even seeing prayers for healing and other crazy stuff answered. I was creating space for God to speak to me — but it seemed like He just wasn’t, or just not the way I wanted Him to. I want to grow in prophecy and other gifts I see walked out in the New Testament and in Acts specifically. I want to see more people healed. I want to see people commit their lives to Jesus. I want to see chains break and prisoners of sin and death set free. I want people to enter into God’s Kingdom, and that stuff is happening all around me, yet I was disgruntled. Something was off. God brought to my attention that I’ve been distracted — my focus wasn’t on Him. It was on all the benefits of knowing Him. So, God led me to fast. I fasted three days.
Y’all, I was so distracted — I literally forgot the reason for my fast. I was distracted with good things — things that are in line with God’s will and Kingdom. It is sooooo easy to miss the mark. I do it ALL the time. Usually it’s really blatant when I miss it, but it’s the subtle lies of the enemy that are tricky. I’m glad God shed His light on this area of my life because, I don’t want to miss out on God and His goodness. He is so good. I’ve been able to go deeper with Him because when I go to Him the focus isn’t always me. Not anymore. It’s Him.
My prayer is:
Thank you. God, you are good. Whatever you want to do right now or say — my answer is yes. I’m here for you. Nothing is better.
So, God’s shown me I was distracted. He’s also shown me that I’ve been impatient — instead of believing that for my problems, God is slow or seems to be silent — I’m starting to see that God has perfect timing. He knows better than I do. He also sees my motivation.
What I love about all of this is God’s grace. He’s been so gentle and kind in revealing this stuff to me. Like this junk in my heart. I read John 6. It’s after Jesus fed over 5,000 people via multiplying a boy’s portion of bread and fish. Miracle! Whoop whoop! Anyway, he’s crossed the sea and the people from that miracle follow him and Jesus straight up says you are only here for more bread… Dang. Just. Like. Me. But then, Jesus talks about how He is the bread of life, and that’s what’s eternal. Benefits, for the most part y’all… They are temporary! Why just eat bread when I can eat the bread of life? Yo, I am not going to sell myself short.
So what now?
Well, I’m thankful. I’m not forsaking all the benefits, and the questions somewhat remain. But I’m choosing what’s better. I’m not coming to my Father who loves and cares about me and has my best interest in mind with a closed fist, but open hands. I’m choosing what’s better and resting with Him. Sitting at His feet. Listening to His wisdom. Listening to His instruction. Believing what He says. I’m seeking Him for Him. He is worth it, with or without another benefit for all the days of my life. He paid it all. It is finished.
So, month one is over. God moved in my heart and my desire for Him is more than ever. I have gotten to walk alongside my team, Kindle and three other teams, at Impact Africa. We did lots of cool stuff and saw God move in amazing ways. South Africa has been straight up awesome. We are finishing up debrief now and heading into next month rested and fired up. I personally am excited for Zimbabwe because it will be my only month out just me and the team. The next month after that is “Manistry” in Zambia, then I come home. So this venture is flying by. Thank you everyone who has supported me and been praying. I’m seeing God more and more in my life, and it’s overflowing to the people around me. His love is alive and real and I’m seeing it change people. It’s so personal — His love is even still changing me. I couldn’t be more grateful. I just want everyone who has prayed or given to this thing to know that God has used your gift to spread His Kingdom and change lives. THANK YOU!
With Love,
– Daniel
