It’s 8 AM. I walk into the kitchen to get my yogurt out of the fridge and then I see it. My orange Fanta is at a point lower than what I left it. Immediately I’m pissed and the crazy thing is either people have gone to ministry or they are still sleep so there is no one to ask. I immediately go back to how I felt in month 1 Honduras when I was sitting outside the bathroom waiting to shower and everyone uses the bathroom without asking if I needed to. Then the thought of feeling like someone just decided that it would be ok to touch my stuff without asking came, I probably would have said yes but it’s the principle. Which lead me to realize when decisions are made for me and I’m not included in the process it pisses me off.
That thought then lead to another can of worms opening up. So here is the can and the worms. I’ve been silent this year. On a squad of 21 people I am the only black person. That statement alone has its own issues but that is for a later time. I am currently a squad leader for Q squad and one of the biggest insecurities that came up when I was in training was that people tend to not pursue the SQL. I was already having an issue with being pursued. So adding this new dynamic I knew that having relationships with others would be harder. I’ve felt silenced because I have no one to talk to that would understand without me having to explain. Talking about the issue of race that I face typically this leads to being comforted and not necessarily being heard or not having a conversation. The times I have expressed a hurt I have felt it was considered for a moment but there is never follow up unless I make the first step. When statements or comments have been made that I deem inappropriate I don’t know how to address them.
Here is an example. On the 4th of July we had a celebration towards the end a squad mate stands up and says “I love America I love being American there is no other country like it. I know that America has a lot to work on one of the things being the mass incarceration of the Africans.” You read it correctly “the Africans” because we aren’t American we are just some more Africans in America because my ancestors had a choice in coming to America. While I know that wasn’t my squadmates intention for it to come this way it’s still the fact that it was said. In that moment I felt silenced but I think the deeper hurt came when no one I mean no one said anything. No one asked how I felt. No one spoke even though they heard the same things I heard. I’ve been silenced in feeling like I can’t speak on racial issues because it’s hard to speak alone it’s scary! I know the stereotypes on black people we can all sing and dance while that is true for some it’s not for all. I was given feedback on being authentic and I have in regards to personality but it’s hard to be in my blackness because there is a need for relatability that I don’t have. Some of it is me because I don’t want to be to black because then if someone feels that they can relate in “black things” to me it feels like he/she is trying to be the cool white person. It’s not authentic. So I’ve silenced myself as well as my environment has caused me to be silenced.
So thanks to the Orange Fanta I will begin my new Blog series.
“Thoughts on Being the Only Black One” I will be explaining what it has been like in each continent Central America, Asia, and Africa. I want to say that this is not to point fingers this is help me process as well as shed light on the need for diversity in the mission field.
