Lessons from the waves.
My squad is currently in Jaco, Costa Rica and I have to let you know that this place is beautiful. The people the ministry, and the change that has happened here. When we arrived 2 weeks ago our host told us that this city used to be referred to as the Sodom and Gomorrah of Costa Rica. It is amazing to see how the Lord has given this city back to his people.
So Jaco is a city that is on the beach and of course that means that when I have free time I tend to head to the beach.
Today (March 10th) was a different day at the beach for me though. I felt like I was playing in the ocean with my Papa. While I was in the water I felt I kept hearing the song “You Make Me Brave” play in my head specifically “As your love in wave after wave crashes over me crashes over me for you are for us you are not against us champion of heaven you made a way for all to enter in.”
I literally sat in the ocean and let the waves crash over me and I began to understand what those lyrics meant.
Here is a little clarity.
I have no contacts here with me at all. So when I am in the ocean I cannot see because if I wear my glasses they will disappear. So I have to trust God in the waves. I also know how to swim so I felt in that Papa was showing me that although I can’t see I know what to do and I know I can trust that I learned how to survive in the unknown.
Right now what are my waves.
Love: As this wave comes over me I realize I can trust him.
The other day I was triggered by a reality that I so wanted to ignore and honestly thought I processed.
So at training camp majority of the people of my ever so small squad were given leadership roles. My role was Logistics which involves planning debrief, book bus tickets to get the squad from country to country and continent to continent ultimately serving the squad in a way they will never truly understand.
This was a role I was excited to fulfill because it was completely out of my comfort zone and I was surprised to have been selected because I truly felt that I did not allow my personality to show.
Well Training camp was in October and from the last day of training camp until January 2nd I was preparing to go to the field and serve my squad in this way.
All of this came to a halt on January 2nd with the rush of getting all my supplies for launch as well as getting to the fundraising deadline I could not have expected the call from my squad mentor calling to tell me that in order to serve me well she felt that I should not fulfill this role and work on fundraising because planing debrief and fundraising this could be overwhelming. I cannot put truly into words the devastation that I felt. In that moment I wanted to give up and not worry about facing the embarrassment of being taken out of this role.
All that to say I did not stop I pushed through and put those feelings on the back burner because I had nowhere to go. I had already quit my job. I could not pick another route because I love my squad and I know I was called to leave in January 2019.
Well I feel like launch was the hardest time of my life at that point because I was happy to be at launch but I felt so alone. I felt like no one truly cared that I made it or cared that I wasn’t able to fulfill my original duty.
God sent a wave though Katie one day during a travel day sat next to me one a bus ride and said “I see you and if you need to talk feel free to. I know we were supposed to do this together so I really if you need to talk let me know.” That wave of love was so needed because I felt unseen.
So fast forward to the other day I was doing ministry and I watched our logistics people take the time out to fulfill their duties and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Bricks that I had no idea were sitting in the corner ready to knock me down. I could not understand why God saw fit to allow me into that position. I felt the exact same way I felt at launch all over again. I felt alone and ignored.
The beautiful thing is God has amazing waves in people. The wave he had for me came through Sarah (One of our ministry host). She asked me if I was ok and the walls just fell.
Prior to her asking me this I sat with the Lord and asked him why. Why am I still hurt why can’t I just get over it?
Then these two things came up:
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I felt rejected
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I had never been taken out of leadership before
The rejection i felt wasn’t true because Alissa (Squad mentor) heart is never to reject. I just filtered those words through as rejection. I know that the entire leadership team seeks the Lord on decisions. As I think about this I feel God nudging me to understand He knows what we need.
Being that he knows what we need that means that He has to close doors so that we can learn. No he never wanted me to feel rejected he wanted me to filled and not distracted.
I am so grateful for his wave of love because that wave has made me brave in knowing that it takes bravery to go into the unknown and face the things that we do not want to.
I want to encourage you to look for the waves in your life. Where has God crashed over you with a wave of love, joy, peace, understanding or whatever you feel you need. What does that wave look like for you. How is He crashing over you to make you brave.
Finanical Update:
I am currently $6,010 away from being fully funded!
I have until April 28th to reach this goal
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