*Disclaimer: This post was started in Costa Rica finished in Panama*
Hi! Update we are in Jaco, Costa Rica! THis is such a beautiful place Our ministry host are amazing and also there is a beach here and it is amazing.
Before arriving to Jaco our ministry host had us to complete a thing called destiny assessment. We got our results this past Sunday. My personality is Energizing Motivator. Here is the description:
The Motivating Energizers are passionate, full of life and ready for all the excitement life may bring. They are the gas pedal that move others into motion. With their natural charisma, thay have a wide range of influence, and they are great at capturing the attention of others and encouraging them to move towards a common purpose. They are warmly enthusiastic, innovative, and imaginative and see life as full of possibilities. They make connections between event and information very quickly, and look for the deeper meaning as they confidently proceed based on the patterns they see. The motivating Energizers wan a lot of affirmation from other and readily give appreciation and support. They make relationships with others easily and enjoy the emotional and social connections. They are spontaneous and flexible and crave freedom and creativity. The have a tendency to rely on their ability to improvise as well as their verbal influence.
So getting these results caused me to step back and wonder why I did not let my true self be shown. Why do I feel like people have to earn the privilege of getting to know me. So I took it to the Lord.
I haven’t processed this completely but this is what the Lord is speaking
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Pinpoint when the switch happened
This makes we think back to when I intentional decided that people would not see me anymore. I was in fifth grade I remembered the thought of needing to do well in school and in order to do that I had to disconnect from people. Prior to this I was bullied from Kindergarten thru third grade which caused me to switch schools because no one was doing anything. I believe all those years of bullying finally had its effect on me by the time I made it fifth grade. Although I was at a better school and being the new girl made it easy to make friends I felt that this was only until I did something to piss someone off. So I settled into being mediocre and focus on academics becoming the teachers pet was my goal.
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Root: Rejection
Making the switch protected me from being rejected because if the real me isn’t truly shown then I cannot be rejected. That resulted in Self-rejection. Wow typing that has so much weight. SELF REJECTION. Yes people have rejected me but there is something about rejecting yourself that truly makes it personal. That was what made me feel like a con artist I can make people believe that they are getting the real me when in actuality it was a made up version of me.
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I am truly Discovering_DMP
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I don’t have to filter every experience through self-rejection
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I can be wrong (hard lesson)
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I don’t have to have it all together (hard lesson)
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I growing into the woman that God created me to be
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This journey takes baby steps
All that to say that I have a seat at any table and stand-up when I need to but only by my choice. No one can tell me if I can or cannot sit at the table because the seat has been put there by God. See because I thought I was not good enough for certain people, things, or events I made myself sit down at tables that limited me when all I wanted to do was stand up and participate. I am discovering that I can give my best yes even when I don’t feel like I can’t.
I want to dig a little deeper and say that I am scared of being rejected but I would much rather be rejected by man than myself. I’m learning to not allow people to tell me who I am or allowed to be. While learning to not please people is hard realizing that loving myself is more important and necessary.
So, Yes I can sit down but it will be by my choice. Yes, I can stand up and it will be while I am shaking but I will stand
