There’s this feeling in my gut that says THIS IS IT. No more months to go Honduras and Nicaragua will be the only countries I get to venture to. The only countries that I will get to share the love of Papa to. The other day I wrote in my journal that I don’t really want to connect with others because I will be leaving soon so what’s the point. That THIS IS IT feeling is more of a truth to me than anything else right now it seems. There is a battle going on inside of me to be present or to detach. I cope with stress by shutting down because it’s safe. Emotions can go and awareness can go because the emotion is cut off. This feels so real because this time if I don’t make the goal then there is no chance of deferment THIS IS IT. That reality makes this scary. I wish I could say that I know that the $471 will come but unfortunately I do not know.
A couple of weeks ago I typed this… So I woke up this morning (January 12th) and had this deep epiphany. I want to stay and finish the World Race. To give some back story so with this last fundraising deadline (reaching $8,500) it took a lot out of me. By that I mean there was such a deep fear that I won’t make it to launch so in my fearful thinking I made a deal with God that if i’m only here for Honduras I am ok with that. Settling I can see is so easy for me. I guess so it doesn’t sting as much if I am disappointed. Well last night as we were talking to David and Scarlett I realized I don’t want to stop here I want to finish I want to see what all the World Race has to offer. I don’t want fear to keep me from desiring the best. I know I have been called to this however at times I still question if I have been called to this.
At launch we were given this journal called the Journey and as I was going through it one night. I saw the scripture I felt God gave me for this route. Joshua 1:9. As many of you know GO Time!! I told my teammates look this is the scripture I have for the race. What are the chances that is the one at the end of this journal.
I’m typing this to say like I referenced before in a post on instagram I am all in! It is very easy to say I am ok if I have to leave due to fundraising however that is definitely not the truth. That in fact is far from the truth. When I first decided to go on the world race I didn’t like being called a missionary now that I am in Honduras and meeting new people and learning about a new culture I can say I want to be a missionary. I want to go to the nations and share the love of God with others. I want to meet new people and be stretched and challenged. I want to Stay. I want to finish. I want to change. I want to be transformed. And while this can happen in the states I know that there is more out in the world that I have yet to experience that will help me be all that Papa has called me to be.
I’m staying.
End Post from January 13th’
Continue with January 27th post
So I want to stay but I am so scared! I said it I am scared and discouraged. I got to talk with some of my small group today and they prayed over me and that meant the world to me because the discouragement I feel is so strong right now. In the group discussion they were talking about how it is important to pray the scripture over yourself. Yes ask God for things and he will hear but HIS Word CANNOT RETURN VOID (Isaiah 55:11).
So naturally I go back to
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9 ESV
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified or dismayed (intimidated), for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
JOSHUA 1:9 AMP
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9 NLT
Discouraged – having lost confidence or enthusiasm; disheartened.
Dismayed: cause (someone) to feel concern and distress.
How did papa know that I needed to know that discouragement will come so he commanded me to not let it be my focus.
I’m holding on to his truth I am strong and courageous even when I feel that feeling in my gut. As much as I want it to go away. I’m learning more and more what it means for him to go before me. I’m learning what it means to trust him. I’m learning to not only say goodbye to emotions but also to CONTROL!!
I feel discouraged when my expectations are not met! Goodbye Emotions. Goodbye Control.
Prayer request:
Pray that I remain present and trust the process I will greatly appreciate it!!
Pray for my squad as we will be traveling to Nicaragua on Wednesday.
Pray for my entire squad to be fully funded and the stress of fundraising not distract anyone.
Pray for Fundación Hogar Los ángeles (Los Angeles Home Foundation). I will miss the people I met here.
Pray the fruit over the spirit over me and my squad.
