So the other day I woke up early because I am trying to establish a routine of getting up at least 2 hours early so I can be sociable. (If you have lived with me you understand how necessary it is that I do not conversate when I just wake up.) Well I missed the opportunity to get in the shower first so I waited outside the bathroom. As I was waiting the remainder of my team began to wake up which is fine only everyone one needed to use the bathroom to begin their morning routine. Well as I was waiting I began to get more and more annoyed. As I felt myself getting madder I decided to go and get back in bed. I thought maybe I did this wrong. I got under the covers and played some music (When you walk into the room by William Mcdowell) and I rested in when He walks into the room everything changes. So as I was trying to start my day again I then wrote this.
“Why am I so pissed!?!? I think it is because I waited so long and I felt ignored and skipped. I don’t want to come off as mean so I had to come back and try again. My solution is start showering at night again and get up @ 7am and start my day. So I can develop some kind of routine while being here. So I guess I was mad because in that moment I felt like I didn’t matter and that’s crazy! Like how is that even a thought? I guess that’s the only time I have to myself so I felt infringed upon. I’ll declare this day is a good day and I will be lead by you papa and not my emotions.”
I have to say that was a great declaration because the day was good. I met someone new and we talked even with the language barrier. We both had our phones out translating to each other just sharing with each other. I went to the house I have been helping out at for ministry. We went back to our host for lunch and then there was a fiesta at the village. It was amazing!
We had team time and I explained to my teammates how I felt that morning. This was a big step for me that I felt safe enough to share. Usually I hold back out of fear being misunderstood. All that to say our emotions are so unruly. Community is hard work it’s easy for me to pour out my love on those that I know I am ministering to but so hard sometimes to have that same love for those I am doing daily life with. I’m saying goodbye to my emotions having control of me. Like I wrote in my journal I will be lead by papa and that means loving everyone and remembering that my team is ministering to me and I to them. We are refining each other even in just the last 11 days.
So goodbye emotions you will not lead me anymore.
I have enjoyed getting to know my teammates and seeing how all of us bring so much to the table. I have enjoyed learning that I can be vulnerable. I love the foundation that is being established in month 1.
I have more to post about ministry this month and other things. So please be on the lookout for an update.
