One moment I’m there with my hands raised and closely paying attention to how I sing. The next moment I’m there on my knees with my face to the ground spilling my heart out in song. What happened? God happened. God brought me to my knees amidst my pride. He brought me to His feet. He changed my heart posture in order to receive His love, freedom, and openness in worship.
A couple weeks ago we did a worship night with our squad. We worshipped with pots, pans, and utensils. We were challenged to embrace the openness, vulnerability, and freedom in worship. That’s one aspect of worship I’m not very good at exercising. I’m not good at embracing and enjoying the freedom and open space that the Lord gave us in worship. When we were given this activity I was excited, but I didn’t know how to dwell in His presence. I’m always so focused on worshipping correctly, singing perfectly, and raising my hands constantly. However, I didn’t want to focus on myself anymore, so I prayed. I prayed that I could glorify Him freely without any distractions. As I prayed He whispered in my ear, “Get on your knees and bow to me.” In that moment, there was no fighting, no second guessing, and no other alternative. I told the Lord, “I’m done with these chains!” It was true. It was from my heart. I was done worshipping Him in such an artificial way. I was done trying to do my own thing and being so selfish in how I worship. So, I listened. I fell on my knees in the first row in front of my whole squad. Even though it was dark and no one was paying attention it felt like the whole world was watching me. I didn’t care though because I was done. I came to the point where there was nothing else I could do, but surrender and embrace the freedom that He’s been trying to give me from the beginning. This whole time I kept shutting Him out of my heart, but in that moment I just let go. When I finally let go of that pride and fell face first at His feet, I was able to experience all of His goodness. His freedom rattled my chains and allowed my soul to rejoice. His peace crashed over me like a raging wave. His love flooded my heart over and abundantly, and that’s when I became reckless. My worship was reckless, just like His love. I didn’t care if anyone judged me for having my face planted in the floor. I didn’t care what anyone said about how I worshipped. I just didn’t care about any of that any more. All I cared about was the presence of the Lord. All I cared about was that I was experiencing a piece of who God is in all of His glory, freedom, and love for the first time by simply bowing to Him.
The next time we worshipped I bowed again. Except this time tears streaming down my face as I embraced His splendid majesty and glorious presence. You see, He didn’t just leave me there with my face on the floor worshipping Him. Nevertheless, He sat me up, called me His, put a crown on my head, a ring on my finger, and honored me. How gracious is He for doing such a thing. That’s why the tears feel freely and my words became wailings. He doesn’t just allow me to embrace His freedom, presence, and love in worship, but He rejoices in my act of worship. He allows me to worship Him and safely guards me so that I’m not destroyed by the power of His glorious presence. Then as if He hasn’t done enough, He humbles Himself before me. He kneels down next to me and leads me to His throne. He sits me right next to Him and honors my name when I’m so unworthy. Just a second ago I was so prideful in wanting others to praise me for how I “worshipped” the Lord. Yet, He is so gracious and chooses to honor me. He allows me to experience His powerful, glorious, and freeing presence; something I have ever experienced before in my life. That’s why the tears streamed down my face because I couldn’t help but worship in awe and thankfulness for all of who He is. I can’t help but want to plant my face deeper into the floor because I’m so thankful that He’s showing me what He’s doing, walking this journey with me, and humbling Himself in order to honor me. God doesn’t have to do all of this for me, but He still does anyways.
Not long after that, He allowed me to experience more of His presence in a new way. God prompted me to sing and dance in worship ever since I started the World Race. That pull in my heart became a desire. I prayed and wrestled with God about it many times. I asked Him to teach me how to sing and dance because I’m clueless when it comes to truly worshipping Him in the Spirit. I trusted He would teach me and I told Him that I wouldn’t leave that room until He shows me how; until He fulfills what He prompted on me to do months ago. After I prayed, I walked to the center of the room. I was scared and my heart felt like it was beating a million miles per hour, but I believed Him. He showed me so much freedom in bowing to Him, so why would He let me down now? I was ready, willing, and open to step into more of that freedom and do what He has called me to do. I stood there closing my eyes with my heart and arms wipe opened. Then I started. I started to sing and let Him take over. He took over my words and my body. I spun, twirled, danced, sang, and worshipped freely in a completely different way. I prayed the whole time that it would no longer be my steps but His; that it would no longer be my words but His. Then He gave me a vision as I sang and danced. In my vision, my favorite flowers were perfectly arranged all around me. In the midst of the flowers was Jesus. I was no longer in shorts and a t-shirt dancing in a dark room in the middle of Thailand. Instead, I was in a garden dressed in a white wedding dress dancing with Jesus; my Father. We were dancing the father daughter. I’ve always dreamed about what that would be like to dance the father daughter dance on my wedding day, but that will never be a reality for me. As we danced, the Lord reminded me that He is my Father. He showed me how to dance step by step. All I saw was His shiny black dress shoes dancing so gracefully as my dress hid my feet. I watched Him closely. I took note of all of His steps and followed along with every move He made. There in that dark empty room I danced, sang, and cried freely in the presence of the Lord. I didn’t care about anything else around me and I just longed to be in the Lord’s presence a little bit more with every step I took. Then I started crying again because I couldn’t help but be in awe and thankful for all He has done for me. I’m thankful for His goodness, faithfulness, breaking my chains, and inviting me into His presence. It all felt like a bliss and when it’s over I was sad. I didn’t want it to stop because our time that we spent together was so precious to me. I was a crying hot mess, but none of that mattered. I was free and there’s nothing that can destroy the freedom God gave me. I was free, revived, full of joy, and I felt His peace rush over me recklessly. Although, I was reminded that these small encounters I’ve had with God in worship is just a small taste of what His glory and presence will really be like at the end of times.
God’s not over yet. I have many more opportunities to bow, many more songs to sing, and many more dances to dance with my Father. I’m not done yet because God’s not done yet. God’s not done with being reckless either or teaching me how to be reckless in worship. He is still teaching me how to be reckless in the Spirit. He’s still showing me how to experience Him in new ways every time I choose to step out of my comfort zone and into His presence. God is so good and has done so much, but this is only the beginning. It’s only the start of me walking into His reckless freedom. It’s crazy to think that my simple act of bowing to my King led to something more beautiful, something more recklessly beautiful in time.
