Really don’t know how to start the train of thoughts that continuous to overwhelm my mind. I do want to say this is what the Lord is teaching me and trust me when I say I’m really trying to figure things out. We leave in like 2 weeks and lots of people are freaking out. In the meantime, I’m pretty chill if I’m being honest. I left home a long time ago so one way or another I’m used to leaving those I love behind. I’m so excited about the whole thing that I can’t help but be hyped. Don’t take me wrong I’ll miss people but it’s somehow normal for me to do this. What has been so abnormal as I prepare for the journey is the thought that keeps saying: “I only want you”.
I’m trying to prepare for the journey so I keep asking the Lord what does He want from me? “I only want you” I keep hearing. What does that even mean? Like for real? When have I (just me without anything I can potentially bring to the table) been enough for anything or anyone? You see since I was little I have been madly competitive. I mean, I was the kid that flipped the board game when I was losing. Not my proudest moment, but that was just who I was. Ever since I can remember I have always been someone that wants to be better than before. Not better than others necessarily, but at least better every year. Growing up in the sports world I grew up with the thought that I will never be good enough. No matter what you do, you can always be better. The “never good enough” was ingrained within me and here we are, never good enough yet “I only want you”.
So now what do I do when I hear: “I only want you”? Can you see the little issue my brain is running into? I truthfully don’t understand the simplicity of that sentence. I can start by asking simple questions like: What about all that I have learned and now know? What about my capacity to do this or that? Or I can move to more complicated ones like: What about the faith you have given me? Or what about my worship? Are you not interested in those? You see, don’t forget, I strive because I need to be good enough. If you ask anyone that knows me they will say I’m a Mary through and through. I know it doesn’t make sense as I’m saying I strive, but I have learned to sit at the feet of Jesus and be just fine. Because it is “better” to sit at His feet anyways!! What I don’t think I believe is that I’m good enough just because I am His.
I’m His and that makes me worthy of being wanted. I know I know, crazy stuff! The best part about all of this is that I had no clue I was striving. I have no doubt the Lord loves me, trust me He loves me, not for what I can do but simply because He does. What I didn’t realize is that somewhere in my walk with Him I started to find my worth in what I can offer as a “good Christian” rather than allowing Him to fully dictate my worth. I like to think about it as something ridiculously radical. He doesn’t want anything but you and me. He doesn’t want what we bring to the table, what we can offer, what we can do for Him, He only wants us.
So as I embark on this journey, He’s not asking me to do but He’s asking me to be. How in the world do I do that? I have no clue. Ideas are welcomed! I’m just realizing this and seeing how from the start I have been checking things off to be better in hopes of finally being good enough. Countless mission trips, seminary, bible studies, you name it, I’ve done it. Those are not bad things in essence but maybe unchecked they can eat you up. It’s like all along I have known Jesus is good enough so I desire to operate under that mindset. But still I’m not, because there is always more perfection to reach, sanctification some would call it. It became about perfection and not Jesus, obviously covered as if it was still about Jesus. My love for theology surely has been beneficial but also hasn’t helped the athlete mindset that is still ingrained in me. I somehow find my worth in being used, so all of the sudden being a valuable vessel became more important than just being His. Would the race be enough if nothing happens and I’m not used as the great vessel I like to think I can be? Would I still go if it was simply about my relationship with Him and nothing else? Someone asked me if I thought I was worth it? If my heart was worth it. So that’s the question, do you believe you are worth it for being His and not for what you can do for Him??
