Women terrify me. It’s the truth! Women that I do not know terrify me. Why? Well, it is definitely not the physical aspect of women, I can take most of them in a brawl any day (Just kidding, Just Kidding). However, it is the mental and emotional makeup of women that scares me most. See, us women have the ability to completely shatter any other woman’s mental and emotional state with only a few words. This is what terrifies me about myself, and all the others.
When I was in middle school, I had my heart broken over and over again by friends. They would use me, lie to me, and leave me feeling worthless. When I got into high school I found a way to protect myself from being hurt by others. In order to do this, I realized I had to hide. Drama feeds off of vulnerability so why indulge it? I began to block myself off from anyone who tried to get close, only giving them a little bit of who I truly was so that they would still want to be friends with me. However, if anyone tried to go against me, I immediately fought back. With words like poison spewing from my mouth, I would hurt them before they could hurt me.
It wasn’t until after finding God again, that I felt as if I had finally overcome my fear of women. In college, I made amazing friends who loved and supported me. I was able to open up more with others and feel confident in who I was. Little did I know, I was still hiding.
It didn’t become apparent to me, until I was at training camp a few months ago, that my fear was still very real. As I began to meet the 31 other girls on my squad, I could feel my walls starting to go up. Memories began to flood my mind of past pains, which caused me to hide my true self. I felt as if I had to be on guard at all times causing me to come across harsh and distant.
I began to see myself as a victim and asked myself questions like, “why is no one sitting by me at the lunch table?”, “How come everyone else has made friends so quickly?”, “Is this even worth it?” I finally started asking myself how I ended up back in this mindset. What happened to the honest, confident girl I was in college?
On the last day of training camp, my eyes were opened to what had been holding me down all week and for my whole life. I had been seeking approval of man…or in this case, woman. Galatians 1:10 reads, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” I’ve heard this verse a thousand times from my mom, and I even tried to implement it in my life when I was younger. But it wasn’t until that moment at training camp, sitting in front of my squad of 31 girls and 3 guys, that I finally realized the truth behind it.
We as humans need to stop trying to please one another and focus on pleasing God. With this newfound realization, I am able to be the confident woman I have always wanted to be. I no longer have to fear other women because they have no authority over my spirit or my joy. By giving my full attention to God, I was able to overcome my greatest fear. As the song goes, “I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God”.
