Have you ever had a feeling that your heart was being ripped out of your chest? That the pain inside of you was so unbearable it hurt to even breath? I had never lost a loved one, not even a pet. So, when my boyfriend of almost two years and I broke things off, my body and soul responded just like that, like it was being tortured. Not only did I love the guy with everything I had, but I considered him my one and only friend at that point in life. In one day, no, in two minutes I lost everything I knew and loved. At least that’s what 17 year old me believed.
Looking back now, I find it funny how one person caused so much pain in my life. I remember thinking I was never going to be the same, that I could never be happy again. In reality, I was never the same again, yet, I am happier now than I ever was. Let me explain.
After my boyfriend and I broke up, I was thrown into a severe spiritual depression. I blamed everything bad that was happening to me on God and felt that He hated me. Every thought I had came from an extremely dark place and all of my actions and emotions were irrational. I lashed out at anyone that got in my way because, in my mind, everyone was out to get me. I remember scratching my arms and legs with my nails until they were raw just to feel some other pain than what I was feeling in my heart. For two years I had put my boyfriend at the center of my life instead of God so, when my boyfriend left, there was a gaping hole that I had no clue how to fill. I obviously didn’t want God to fill it, but somewhere in my subconscious, I knew I didn’t want the world to fill it either. I was stuck for almost a year and a half in this horrid place of lacking God in my life.
During that dreaded year and a half, I met with 3 different counselors, got into countless verbal fights, went to the principal’s office twice, and endured at least one intense meltdown at home a day.
It wasn’t until the day I graduated High School that this horrific behavior began to subside. By that time, I was prescribed medication for my anxiety and, thanks to my third counselor, I was starting to let God back into my life. It was also around that time that I began to realize what real love looked like.
Take a look at the extremely common verse for love, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV), it states,
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I always use to think this verse was supposed to be about the love between a man and his wife, but I realized that it is describing the love God has for us. I began replacing the word “love” in the verse with “God” and my eyes were opened to how much my God truly cares for me.
Today, I am actually thankful for those hard times I went through, although I would never wish that pain on anyone, it was those experiences that made me who I am today. I learned that God was with me that entire time, even when I hated Him most, He still loved me and wanted the best for me. God knew I had to make it through that period in life in order to get to where He wanted me in the end.
Now, four years later, I am a completely different girl than I was back in my “Dark Days”. God is the center of my life, I am full of a joy only God can give, and I am ready to be put to use, where ever He takes me. I definitely still have a lot to learn in my life, but with God now at the center, I am not afraid of what the future may hold.
