growth is hard.
growth includes pruning, trimming, stretching, dry seasons, etc. it’s not a picture perfect procress. it’s not glamorous or “instagram worthy”. it’s real and raw and dirty and scary. the enemy doesn’t just notice the way God is moving in your life and leave it alone. he goes after those who threaten him, those who are fufilling God’s will. He’s sneaky and he’s subtle and he can feed you lies little by little and change the way you see situations. coming in to this i had no idea how desperately satan would be trying to attack a group of 50 missionaries. I figured we would do amazing things and hear from Jesus a lot and laugh a lot. Which we do, however we also have to fight every single day against spiritual attacks.
this is where community comes in. oh sweet community. sharing everything, literally and figuratively. the devil hates community, he wants you to believe that you are completely alone. this is so opposite of the truth. It’s taken me about 6 months to grasp the fact that my teammates are fighting with me and me asking for prayer isn’t inconveniencing them. It is so so normal to want to deal with things on your own and not bring anyone into your mess. trust me, i’ve been really good at that for about 18 years. never did i find freedom in that, the most freeing thing you could possibly do is invite people into your mess and to intercede for you.
When two of you get together on anything at all on Earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that
i’ll be there. Matthew 18:19-20 (the message)
another area the devil really likes to pick at is pride. whether you have too much or none at all he wants to use that to stain your heart. for me i get a bit of both (lucky me). it is really easy for me to feel unqualified or to be silenced by fear, i can be quick to sit in meekness and watch my teammates be empowered by the Holy Spirit. which i should be celebrating, but when you are in a place of low confidence it can be easy to compare your growth to the people around you. I’d love to tell you by month 6 that goes away for good, but it just doesn’t. i have to remind myself everyday that my personal relationship with christ is individual and sweet to me. it’s really encouraging for me to look back at times in my life when the Holy Spirit was speaking loud and clear and to recognize how much He loves
me as an individual. on the opposite hand its a fight not to slip into too much pride. So often Jesus will move through us in a big way and we can commend ourselves. a sermon series i’m listening to about worship talks about that, we can be quick to praise the gifts we receive and not the Giver Himself. we would literally be useless for the kingdom if we were acting in our flesh, our flesh is physically not able to produce good things on it’s own. let that sink in. Every SINGLE edifying thought or action comes directly from Him. all glory to God and none to myself.
Not to us, Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 115:1 (ESV)
The area where i am attacked the most is in my “false self”. sorry for the christianese term but really it just means the side of me that isn’t authentic to who I am in Christ. social media can be a killer in this area. tell me why i feel the need to post a picture every couple of days with a filter and a little bit of grain and a long sweet caption about what i’m doing and how happy i am. that seems silly but it really is so real. i remember being at home last year and seeing the posts about the race. only the most glamourous or wildest things were publicized. i had a skewed vision of what my next nine months would look like because of the social media facade i was seeing. don’t get me wrong i love instagram and i enjoy posting my favorite pictures and memories. but i will never do anything for the purpose that it’s “good for instagram”. i’m learning the balance of sharing testimonies and amazing things i’ve seen God do and exploiting the relationships and the people i’ve met or gotten to minister to. i’m in the toddler stages of this process. i am so sorry for my lack of posting, i am growing a lot and i am overwhelmed every day by how much God loves me and what He lets me experience. I want to share what i am doing with the people i love. i want to post things that are real and vulnerable and take you into every part of my journey. The
work He is doing in and through me is ALWAYS beautiful but it isn’t always pretty. thank you for having patience and grace on me. i love you all and i can’t wait to show you EVERY part of me.
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galations 1:10
quick update-
– we leave the beautiful town of Jeffrey’s Bay South Africa tomorrow & all of the amazing relationships we have built here 🙁
– BUT monday i will be meeting my !!!parents!!! in Joburg for “parent vision trip” I am SO excited to see them and to share ministry experiences!!
– we’re off to Thailand soon!! we know no details yet but hey thats part of the fun!
prayer requests-
– every parent would feel the presence of God and encounter Him, the parents who aren’t believers would be smacked in the face with the Father’s love, breakthrough in families. lives changed, hearts mended.
