The last week my team and I were in Myanmar we found out that our ministry assignment for the second round of Thailand would be the same as the first, at Bon Doi school teaching English. This honestly came as a shock to us and the majority of my team was disappointed. For some, the last time at Bon Doi was more difficult than for others. We did not have a translator nor a Christian contact and the entire community is Buddhist which made it rather spiritually dark. I felt as if our ministry assignment deprived us of opportunity to spread the kingdom where we may have been more useful elsewhere. In being informed that we would return to the same place, those feelings returned. I questioned my leadership in the decision they made and asked myself again and again if it was really the Lord’s will that we return. This made me question God, deep down telling myself that because it was illogical in my mind, he couldn’t possibly have reason to bring us back to Bon Doi as English teachers. It was in this heart posture of distress and doubt that I realized my distrust in the Lord and the pride that blinded me.
My team has now been back in Bon Doi for a week and a half. With encouragement from leadership and intentional time with God I have come to peace with being here; however, in many ways it has felt like stepping into a valley with little direction or purpose. Throughout processing my disappointment, I was reminded of a story from chapter eleven of one of my favorite books, Hinds’ Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. There is a character named Much-Afraid that follows the Shepherd on a journey to what he calls the High Places. Much-Afraid expresses her distress as the Shepherd explains she must embark on a particularly difficult part of the journey:
“You have now to go through the forests which clothe the sides of these mountains almost up to the snowline. The way will be steep, but you will come to resting places here and there. These are the Forests of Danger and Tribulation, and often the pine trees grow so tall and so closely together that the path may seem quite dark. Storms are very frequent up here on these slopes, but keep pressing forward, for remember that nothing can do you any real harm while you are following the path of my will.”
It did seem strange that even after safely surmounting so many difficulties and steep places, including the “impassable precipice” just below them, Much-Afraid should remain so like her name. But so it was! No sooner did the Shepherd pronounce the words “danger and tribulation” than she began to shake and tremble all over again.
“The Forests of Danger and Tribulation!” she repeated with a piteous quaver in her voice. “O Shepherd, wherever will you lead me next?”
“To the next stage on the way to the High Places,” he answered promptly, smiling at her as nicely as possible.
“I wonder if you will ever be able to get me there!” groaned poor foolish little Much-Afraid. “I wonder you continue to bother with me and don’t give up the job altogether. It looks as though I never shall have anything but lame feet, and that even you won’t be able to make them like hinds’ feet.” She looked disconsolately at her feet as she spoke. Certainly at the moment they did look even more crooked than ever.
“I am not a man that I should lie,” said the Shepherd gravely. “Look at me, Much-Afraid. Do you believe that I will deceive you? Have I said, and shall I not do it? Or have I spoken, and shall I not make it good?”
At the start of this month I found myself as weak and troubled as Much-Afraid, but the Lord has not left me even in my disbelief that the month would be unfruitful. He is a good Father. Although I may not be able to tangibly see the work he is doing in this place, I have faith that seeds are being planted, and that his will is MUCH greater than my own.
