[This is an outpouring of my heart, not written intentionally]
Oh how my heart longs to tell someone about how God worked in my heart last week when I was in South Texas. How I felt God’s presence amidst the waves in the ocean, but I can’t get the words out so maybe it wasn’t supposed to be. How I long to tell of all the ways he spoke to me that week. How he told me to not blame the devil when it seems as if things are going wrong, but instead just focus on Him. How when I just wanted to know why things were going wrong and then the answer flashed through my mind when I opened my Bible and the first thing I read was “the Lord has spoken”. (Psalm 50) I couldn’t help but smile at the Father’s gentle answer. Yes, He has spoken. All I have to do is think about Him and He is near. Oh how I long to express to someone that nothing you do for the Lord is useless. Even if you are preparing a lesson and it turns out you are doing the wrong one, God has lessons for you and others around you in them all.
I could tell you that I’ve come to the conclusion I am not a sinner. I used to be consumed by sin in my former life, but I have found new life. Christ declares me blameless before the God of the universe (Colossians 1:22). If by them I am not declared a sinner, why should I call myself a sinner? I do not bear the “sinner” title. I am a child of God.
I could tell you more.
I could tell you about the humbling conversation I had with an old man at Starbucks who remembered my name from brief contact a year ago. I could tell you that when you are called to speak and when you are unprepared, the Holy Spirit will speak through you. I could share about how God changes your plans until you’ve found the plan He wants you to. How He leads you where He wants, with who wants, in order to draw people closer to Him. He places special people in your life without careless thought. I could share many good things about this God I worship.
I could tell you about a lot of questions that have been answered. Like in the old testament why was there so much fighting and destroying? God, aren’t you a God of mercy and peace? And it was like a slap in the face… Don’t you see? Don’t you understand what I am willing to go through to fight for my people? Look at the bigger picture. God was fighting for his people throughout the old testament and He did have mercy on them and He did preserve them. He will do the same for His people today.
I could share a lot of questions I still have too.
I have a lot of questions about God and about the Bible. Some are questions about life though.
Like why God would place someone in front of you that you become curious about and then just let you slip by without interacting with this person. And then it’s over so why does the situation sit in your soul… Is it because He will tell you something else about it later? But why?
O how I long to have hours long conversations with people about my God.
My heart hurts to leave the place I am now. The people I love. Do I get closer to them so it can hurt more when I leave? Do I distance myself now and miss out on memories. I think I’d rather have the memories and hurt. But time is slipping by.
I have a week in Arkansas before going to Memphis with my best friend. Then I’ll have one more week in Arkansas before spending my last free day in Georgia with my parents. This month is the last time I get with my people here before I don’t get to see them for nearly a year. Okay. That weight is finally starting to feel real.
It’s already hard to come home. It’ll be hard to get gone. It’s hard to tell where I belong.
So much has happened in the last few days. So much that has been piling up in my brain that it is hard to process and reflect on it all. It would take hours and I feel like I don’t have those hours right now.
This has mentally and spiritually been the busiest time in my life.
I can’t tell you about all the things God has done in my life, but I hope you get to experience it for yourself. I love you.
I will miss you. I will miss my friends and family. I will miss taking hot baths and sleeping in my cozy bed. I will miss being comfortable. I’ll probably miss conversations in English.
But God is the one who truly has my heart. I’m entrusting Him to take care of me. Wow. What is this year going to hold? Hopefully not a husband like everyone jokes about. Hopefully it is a year where people who have never experienced God will experience Him or where those who have experienced Him will see deeper into who He is. This goes for people around the world and people where I am. It even goes for me. Hopefully this year will be a year of exponential growth. Above all else, I want you to feel the deep love of Christ and our Father inside yourself.
I hope that when you need comfort you can call to Him, and I hope you can feel His arms wrap around you and hold you. I hope you have that kind of relationship with my Father.
My heart is heavy in this season of my life. I’m trying to take it all in, let it all out, get it all done. It’s a challenge.
This year is going to change the course of the rest of my life. I’ve counted the cost. Jesus is my foundation (1 Corinthians 3:11). Here’s to building on to it and running the race set before me… for now that is called the world race. Who knows what will be next.
But I hear the soft, comforting voice of God. I will be fully funded before I leave. How? I have no idea. The lilies are clothed beautifully, yet they don’t clothe themselves. The birds are fed, yet they don’t plant or store food. How much more valuable are you to God? Don’t you know He will provide?
God has been so good to me. I don’t know how to express the depths of that statement but I hope you can somehow relate.
I just want to tell someone I love them.
Hey, you. I love you.
Here’s all my sadness, all my joy, all the emotions I can relay to you. I hope you are overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit.
Love, Brishna.
Seek the Kingdom of God about all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:33
