I finally had it. The “what was I thinking” moment. Like this is real life It’s not a dream where I can just be fearless and brave and do things I wouldn’t have the guts to do in real life. Uh oh.. What was I thinking? Going on mission in different countries for eleven months, raising almost $20,000, quiting school, abandoning the easy life for something much harder than I am used to. Am I sure I want to do this? What made me do this? What was I thinking?
Actually… I don’t think I was thinking. At least I wasn’t thinking like a human when I applied for The World Race. I remember spending so much time in prayer about applying; asking God over and over if this is what He wanted me to do. Confirmation after confirmation came. I remember feeling so surrendered to God, and whatever He wanted me to do, that’s what I wanted to do. I wasn’t thinking at all about the money or not seeing my family for a year.
It didn’t seem real when I got accepted. It still doesn’t seem real that I might be part of a team that God is sending around the world to spread the Gospel.
I knew that if God wanted me to go, He would provide the funds. The journey of fundraising began. I honestly haven’t prayed about it that much. I just keep repeating in my head, over and over, that God is faithful. God will provide. My faith is in God, and I can’t wait to see how He works everything together.
It took me a month to write my fundraising letter because I didn’t know what to say, and I wanted it to be genuine. I can’t just slop words down on paper, though you might think so. I can’t force myself to write. I’ve tried. I have to be in a moment where it comes to me, or better yet when God gives me the words. I prayerfully considered who I sent my letters too. Although the letters didn’t seem too fruitful with the fundraising side of things, I have hope that they impacted the lives, in some way, of those who received them.
Our young adult group planned a 50s themed Valentine’s Banquet Fundraiser that was a blast. We had hamburgers, fries, and floats diner style, a photo booth, a game show, and 50s music. I didn’t know until a week later (on Valentine’s Day) that it was a fundraiser for my trip. It was a sweet surprise, and God showed me so much love on that day I was dreading. It was awesome to feel the love and support of my church family. I am forever grateful for them, and humbled that they went to so much trouble to help send me.
I have been praying about fundraisers to come, but God is telling me to wait. That’s hard because I know I have a lot to raise and time is passing by. But I trust God and if He says wait, I will wait. God is faithful.
I have been in a valley for a while. The only way I know how to deal with it is to draw close to God. It hasn’t been easy, and I haven’t always felt like He was there, but I know He was. Hopefully when I am back up I will be able to see how God worked through this time in my life. For now, all I can say is maybe He is teaching me patience and endurance, humbling me, testing my faith. I do know that God is still God, and I know God.
Sometimes I feel like it’s not okay to feel like God isn’t with me… because He is always with me right? But this scripture comes to my mind: it is when Jesus was on the cross and He says, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Sure, this is quoting a psalm. But I view this piece of scripture in a different way than I have heard it talked about. Jesus, fully God and fully man, feels like God has abandoned him? I see these words as coming from the human side of Jesus. I found it interesting that even Jesus himself could feel like the Father wasn’t with Him. But I know that is not true. Even though it may seem like God is not there, He is. And He is working together something for His glory, something far bigger than any of us.
I haven’t been sleeping well at night. I toss and turn, and it seems like I stay awake the whole night. But in my tossing and turning, I catch myself praying or singing songs about God. Like I am unconsciously, but consciously praying to God and singing praises. It makes me happy that I do that. But at the same time, I’d like to sleep.
This morning I woke up with a song in my head. “There in the everyday and the Monday (mundane)… Your grace finds me. Your great grace. Oh such grace.” When I got to church this morning, we sang this song! God is so sweet and comforting. Undeserved kindness.
In the valley, one thing I have been working on is looking ahead to the things of eternity. Anytime I start to think about worldly things, or worry about petty things, I try to shift my focus to the reason I am here and look ahead to what is to come. There are so many things in this life that I worry about that have no meaning, so I am working on putting those things out of sight. I’ve found that shifting my focus has been very beneficial in my spiritual life and in everyday life. I have far fewer cares.
I have been reading about Jacob and Esau. The Bible says to not be like Esau who sold his birthright for a single meal. He was hungry. He wanted food. He didn’t see the good in his birthright at the time. But don’t do that. Don’t give in to worldly things now; instead, look ahead to what is to come. Set your sights on the things of heaven.
I am remembering why I am going on The World Race. I remember the surrendering and telling God to use me in any way He wanted. Whatever He wanted me to do, I would do it. Wherever He sent me, I would be willing to go.
I know I cannot do anything apart from Him. I need Him for every breath.
I will be buying a plane ticket to training camp soon. What life am I in?! It’s better than real life.
This is my heart. This is where I am.
Thank you to all who are praying.
If we die with Him, we will also live with Him. If we endure hardship, we will reign with Him. If we deny Him, He will deny us. If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who He is. 2 Timothy 2:11-13
