Currently in Banos, Ecuador with my squad and leadership team for debrief. Reuniting with them has been all kinds of sweet. Debrief is basically a time of R&R…and R. of rest and recovery and reflection. It’s the necessary yet difficult process of unpacking the last month; the good, the hard, everything. You’ve probably seen good; pictures posted of the people, places and adventures. The hard I’ve talked with a few people but I want to get to the everything with you. I want to share the work God is doing in my life in a transparent way.
To be real this experience is all kinds of hard. But funnily enough its a hard you choose. All of these amazing humans I’m getting to do life with are so intentional and all in. Choosing the hard together. Choosing it because we desire to follow where it leads to intimacy, true intimacy with God. We all have a desire to cultivate that intimacy and its incredible. (Not saying I have the best squad buuuut I have the best squad) One night here we sat around a fire and shared some of our deepest secrets and shame associated with our past. Bravely opening up with each other offers up a deeper understand and love for each other. All dimensions of a person and not just at face value. Trusting each other enough to step into vulnerability together has developed some sweet and deep bonds so I am excited for our next month all together in Ecuador!
I’m not one for ‘insta-friendships’. I’ve always thought true, meaningful connections develop over time. But now I don’t know if that was colored from a place of manipulation almost. Kinda like a test for people to pass. Like ‘oh you want to be my friend? Let’s see if you really do; break down my walls and then we’ll be friends.’ One of my biggest self realizations I’ve had over the last month is seeing more of how God created me and my identity in him. He created me with a big heart to wear on my sleeve. He created me to love with no walls despite my fear of abandonment, hurt or failure. My teammates have said that they’ve never seen someone love so fearlessly with their heart on their sleeve offering it out to anyone ‘here take it’. Especially because we find ourselves in this unique situation where we constantly develop relationships every month with an inevitable goodbye. I used to be angry at God, the world, myself for being so sensitive. For feeling so much and so hard. I used to fight against it by building walls or other defense tactics that would “protect” me from the crushing heartbreak that empathy brings. But I’m learning to embrace all that God has made me to be including this way. He created me to love because he is love and we were created in his image.
