The World Race draws closer and closer with the launch only 7 months away! Time seems to be flying by as I prepare to go. Preparations include many different things from sending support letters, vaccinations, selling shirts, working out, collecting coins, shopping for gear, talking with mentors, etc. While checking things off the list I’m continuing to work full time so life seems a little busy. With the pace of life these days and as things come together I neglect to be still. But when I do I’m finding lessons from God in the unexpected quiet moments. He seems to be preparing my heart through books, Spotify playlists, daily devotions and heartfelt conversations over tacos with friends.
One recent conversation has stuck with me that I wanted to share with you. The words have been pressing into my heart and swirling in my mind for days. Yet everytime I’ve tried to write it unease and hesitancy paralyzed me from doing so. I think because this conversation was so honest and raw. Sharing it made me feel vulnerable and I hate feeling that way. I mean our society portrays vulnerability as weakness. The dictionary even describing it as:
vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally
I mean what normal person would want to put themselves out there like that?! Seriously. But I’m starting to believe that it takes an incredible amount of strength to be vulnerable. That you don’t benefit from numbing vulnerability because you end up numbing other feelings too like happiness, peace and joy. So I’m going to open up with a story, exposing my vulnerability in the hope that it might reach someone who might benefit from hearing it.
The other day I met up with a friend. We’re comfortably catching up, talking and laughing together when she says she’s been following my blog. “Cool! Thanks.” I say while feeling mildly uncomfortable and extremely vulnerable. Then she asks me “When did faith become such a huge part in your life?” I’m somewhat confused because God has been important to me as long as I’ve known her. I’m also devastated that my life hasn’t magnified him to the people closest to me. My friend goes on to say that while she always knew faith was a priority to me and I always carved out time for church the bold way I shared about it on here surprised her.
Taking an honest look at myself, hidden insecurities and motivations I responded. Unpacking this with her I came to realize that while God has been the center of my life for a long time I don’t often speak out about it. I think a large part of it is that claiming christianity is the epitome of vulnerability. And as I said before, who the heck would choose to be vulnerable? I mean it leaves you so open to judgement. To be held up next to this template of the “perfect christian” and shown all the places you don’t measure up. I don’t know where this template even stems from, I just know that as an imperfect person I would constantly fall short. My spiritual journey has never been a straight line with only upward progress. It wouldn’t look good on a graph. You wouldn’t see a constant uphill trend line starting from the time I accepted salvation until now. There would be times of tremendous gains and growth but there would also be dips of setbacks and struggles. Bottom line is that it wouldn’t be linear it would be messy. There would be many opportunities to call out my weaknesses and failings. I just need to remember that Christ’s love covers all of it and he has forgiven me. I need to remember to embrace his grace instead of chasing perfection.
I also speak up about God at politically correct times. Like at church, around other believers or next to friends who I completely trust. While I am extremely comfortable with this friend of mine in the past she hasn’t shared my views on God. So I kept mine tucked away afraid of alienating her. I am an extremely non-confrontational person so in everyday life I avoid mentioning God. Often times censoring my beliefs and packaging my personality in a way that I think would be most palatable to people. And yes I know! I know! Be in the world but not of the world. Let me just try to break this down even more… I thought I had been holding my tongue out of love. I mean the bible commands us to love our neighbor and the world says love is acceptance. Openly speaking God’s truth can seem like you’re “pushing” your views on others and its too exclusive or elitist. So with the messages I was receiving I thought that love only looked like connected with people over similarities while avoiding controversial topics. Only opening up about God IF they brought him up first or asked me a direct question.
But this whole conversation is challenging me to rethink everything about how I live my life. I mean how can I love someone without openly, honestly and vulnerably sharing what I’ve found in Christ with them? Was my silence more about pleasing man than pleasing the father? I think it was. Now I feel convicted to find my voice even if that means being vulnerable in the process. It’s 100x worth it to share the things God has been showing me.
Vulnerably,
Breanna
“To love is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.”
C.S. Lewis
