“I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become.”- Africa by Toto
This was the thought that was going through my mind as I was writing in my journal during month 8 debrief as it finally fully hit me just how much I have grown on my world race journey. Now when I signed up for the rest I did know that I was going to grow and be changed as a person, but I just didn’t realize just how much of a drastic growth that was going to take place in my heart & soul.
Frankly it freaks me the heck out.
But honestly its a good thing.
If you have read any of my past blogs then you know a little of my backstory as let’s face it if you really think about it all I was a jerk.
Looking back on her now, I am amazed at her on how she acted towards not only herself, but towards others as well, and just how much she has transformed from they way she was then to where she is right now.
Even I don’t know who she is anymore.
And that’s a good thing, scary but good.
God has worked so much in me these last 8 months then he has done in the 33 years that I have been on this earth since no matter what there are only some things in life that only God can teach us that others can’t including my parents.
Some examples of this growth in me:
– I have become more generous with my money, and helping out others by picking up the tab when we go out to eat or lending them money if they needed some to help cover the cost.
The “old” me acted like Scrooge McDuck as far as my greediness with money was concerned.
-I had a “me first” attitude as I didn’t care about anyone other then myself, and I was pretty closed off to people and only allowing them into my life when I felt like I could trust them. I was all about getting what I wanted in life, and I didn’t care who I had to walk on in order to reach my goal.
I had built a protective wall in my life in order to protect myself from getting burned by others especially in the area of letting them see the real me as I knew that if I got that far in a friendship with them, and they left then it would rip my heart out. I have learned while being on the race that this “wall” was a bad thing, and I have been trying to knock it down, and while it has been a slow process my “wall” is coming down.
Now my attitude has changed where I have learned to put others before me, and how to serve & love them better. I have also been slowly learning to open up to people and put their needs before my own.
– The last big growth area in me since being on the race- talking about and showing more of my emotions rather then shoving them down, and not showing them while living in community.
I have always had the mindset of “if you showed any “bad” emotions then you were weak. If I felt like crying or felt upset I would suck it up until I was alone or it would manifest in anger and I would get defensive & fight back. While on the race, I have been trying to learn that showing emotion is ok, and normal, and that the best way to deal with them is to talk to someone about what it is that I am feeling.
This has been the hardest lesson that I have been learning while on the race as this is something that I am still trying to work on, but it sucks because in the end I just get more frustrated when I try to talk to people about what I am feeling as even that is something that I am not used to doing.
Also I have grown so much in my intimacy with the Lord over the course of these 8 months as I’ve incorporated new things into furthering my relationship with him such as journaling & having personal quiet time each day as those 2 things were something that I never did at home.
One of the passages that God has been laying on my heart since Vietnam is John 15:
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.15 No longer do I call you servants,a]”>[a] for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. 17 These things I command you, so that you will love one another.
I have finally come to realized that God has been “pruning” me all throughout these last 8 months. He is stripping off all of the “bad” branches (greed, protective walls, power hunger, & a me first attitude) in my life from my past with the hope that new branches will grow and bear fruit in my life, which it seems like new fruit is growing (humility, kind heart for others, being generous with my money etc.). This was the reasoning behind why God told me to go the World Race so that he could prune me more in order to prepare me for the next step that he has for my plan for my life. I also understand why God also led me to be put on the 2 teams that I have been on so far on this World Race journey as each one of those gals on both teams have taught me about myself & called out the “rotten” fruit in my life.
God has great things planned for me after the Race, but right now I just gotta remain present here.
Til next time your fellow sister in Christ,
Bonnie
P Squad
Psalms 18:2
YOLO
