Well, I’ve been home for a week now and I’ve done a lot of processing and resting. I’ve very quickly come to realize that summing up the past few months is not easy, but I’ll try my very best.
I remember when I first started feeling the call to go on gap year, I kept thinking to myself, “Oh gosh I could NEVER do that.” I kept feeling the nudge and the Lord made it very clear that this is what he was calling me to. I was terrified, but also excited for the adventure.
Before I knew it, I was in Guatemala teaching english in a village and I loved ministry so much.We were constantly being poured into and we had talks multiple times a week that pushed us in our faith even more. I loved all of this, all while having a tough time from day one of the race. I struggled with homesickness, which was new for me. I had to learn ways I could help myself with homesickness. Overtime, I was definitely still homesick all the time, but finding these different things did help me everyday and especially on the really hard days. I learned how to truly rely on the Lord for everything. This is all I had because I was completely out of my comfort zone and away from home for so long. I relied on his joy, comfort, strength, energy, and the list could go on and on. Another thing I learned very early on in the race is the importance of starting my day off with the Lord and being filled up with his truth and love. It changed my whole entire day because I could only pour out his love and truth to others throughout my day if I was first being filled up.
Fast forward to towards the end of Guatemala and I started to struggle more. I remember one particular day I pulled one of my close friends aside and asked her to pray with me. We prayed for the Lord to make it clear as to why I was there and what his purpose was. I spent most of that day with the Lord in prayer. That afternoon in free time, I fell asleep and I woke up thirty minutes later and went to spend more time with the Lord. During that short nap, I had a very vivid dream where I was in an airplane looking out the window and it was very obvious that it was Amarillo. I began to question and a hand held mine and said, “Don’t worry what other people think, serve with all of your heart here (Amarillo).” I looked over and it was Jesus smiling. After processing that dream for the day, I went to bed that night and had another dream. This dream was a continuance of the one before, but this time the plane was landing. I began to freak out and Jesus said, “Do not worry, I am going to be right there with you. Just go!” I reached out to leadership and I didn’t know if this dream meant that I needed to go home, or if it was for when I got home from the race. After a few days of prayer, I decided that this was for later and that the Lord was not done using me in Guatemala and on the race. I continued to do the best I could do and be the best I could be all while choosing joy every single day even when it was hard.
We arrived in Thailand and my spirt just felt heavy. I was excited to be in a new country, to experience a new culture, to have a new ministry, and to build more relationships. I loved teaching english and becoming friends with the students. Everybody was so nice and our days were long, but good. The truth is that while I really enjoyed ministry, I was absolutely miserable. I was frustrated that it had been four months and I was still struggling so much with being homesick. I was frustrated that the people I had become such good friends with and the people I saw everyday weren’t experiencing the love and the freedom in a life with Christ. I was crying all the time, I wasn’t sleeping at night, it was getting harder and harder to choose joy, and at the end of the day I wasn’t myself at all. It got worse as the weeks went on and it started to effect my health and my team.
Ministry ended and we headed to midpoint debrief in the city. At this point, I knew I had the week to seek leadership and figure out what needed to change because I couldn’t continue like this. After talking with a leader one of the first days, I had a lot to pray about. I thought through how downhill I’d gone since arriving in Thailand and I spend the next few days asking the Lord what was next. I was explaining to a leader that I’m a person who finishes things strong, but it was very clear at this point that I wouldn’t be finishing the race strong. I wrestled a lot and I cried a lot, but there came a point where I had a peace I can’t explain. That peace was my decision to go home. The last thing I would ever want to do is hinder my team from the growth that the Lord had for them. I knew it was best for me to continue to grow in all the ways I’ve grown on the race at home.
My journey on the world race is over, but I have no doubt that the race was my foundation for the rest of my life. I know I’m not the same person I was before I left home and I’m so glad I am not that person anymore. I see the race as a gift. It was hard but man I am so blessed by it.
- I grew, which wasn’t fun in the moment, but growth is so great.
- Friendships/ community- I now have some fo the deepest, loving, and most joyful friendships.The community taught me what a christ-centered community looks like.
- Leadership- they pushed me, taught me SO much, and loved me through my best and worst moments.
- Perspective- I’ve figured out that my perspective on life completely changed. This will change everything I do from now on. I’m excited to see what serving at home looks like and where that will lead me!
Please continue to pray for T squad and the four months they have left on the field and all the ways they are being the light of Christ in Myanmar and Swaziland! Also, specifically for the girls on my team who I got to do life with everyday and love so much.You can follow their blogs on this website to see how the Lord is using them!
Thank you to everyone who walked this journey with me. Whether you are a supporter from home, a leader, or somebody on my squad, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m filled with so much gratitude and love for everyone who helped me on this journey!
Love,
Bethany
