I have never really been a beach person. Do not get me wrong, I love the ocean- the sound of waves crashing onto the shore, the immensity of its depth, the power of its tide. In that same breath I hate the feeling of having sand all over my body, the smallest piece of seaweed freaks me out when it brushes up against me and I have always felt confident that if I go any deeper than my waist a shark will attack me. Rational, I know. Something happened to me over the past three months, I have become a beach person. Maybe it’s the irresistible turquoise of the Caribbean water or the mere fact that I am on an island. All I really know is that my love for the beach, more specifically for the ocean has been growing exponentially.
In my time at debrief I have felt an overwhelming need to go to the beach every single day. Each day I left feeling disappointed I did not spend more time in the water. I wait until other people are going in, I stay close to them and I survey the waters frequently for any sea creatures. I have never felt safe in the water by myself, maybe it is the higher likelihood a near by shark will attack me or the loneliness that comes from standing by yourself in something so big. Today, the team I was put with for a scavenger hunt decided to go to the beach instead of partaking in the scavenger hunt, after all it is our last full day in Jamaica. While we were there something happened.
I felt called to the water, as I have been since that day my team went to Wahoo Bay in Haiti. A call that has only intensified with each trip to the beach I have been on throughout my race. As I went further into the water rather than feeling fear I was overwhelmed with beauty. I went deeper than usual and when others went back to the beach I stayed, alone in the water. Then, then I laid back and I floated. As I laid in the water I did not allow my brain to be preoccupied with what creatures could be lurking around me or worry that no one was next to me. I floated. I took big deep breaths savoring the salt in the air, I gazed at the sky marveling at the contrast of the wispy white clouds against the deep blue, I allowed the waves lull me into a state of complete relaxation. I rested into the water and as I did I felt like I was laying back resting into the Lord. As I floated this scripture came to mind:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
I am someone who has always been bound by my works. I constantly feel the need to perform, to live up to expectations no one ever placed on me, expectations that I frequently fall short of. This has caused me to live a life of fear, anxiety, self-criticism and exhaustion. A life of need to please ad care for the people around me. I regularly have twenty thoughts racing in my head all at once and on the verge of a complete breakdown more often than I would ever care to admit. I go and do. I struggle to say no to people even when granting their request causes my already full plate to explode. When I do rest my body, I do not rest my mind. Then the exhaustion becomes more than I can bear and I explode. I snap at people, I hurt the ones I love or I find rest in unhealthy ways, like binge watching shows on Netflix and forcing myself to feel numb.
Today, I rested. Both body and mind. As I floated in the water I thought only of what I was currently experiencing. The salt in the air, the smoothness of the waves, the seagulls playing together over me, the beauty of the color blue. I was not afraid that I was alone because the Lord was there with me. I allowed myself to rest in Him. Not by works. Not by prayer or journaling or reading my bible, though those are also great ways to meet the Lord. Today the Lord called me into the water, into His arms. Today the Lord allowed me to rest with Him. Today, I learned to float.
My prayer is that if any of you have experienced similar struggles that you too are able to learn to float. This does not mean take off and drive to the nearest beach, though I am sure many of you would love to as I hear it has been a cold spring thus far. My prayer is that you are able to pause whatever you are doing, whatever you are thinking and find a space for the Lord to meet you. Whether you go for a hike or walk by the river or lay on your bed. Find a space to just be. Sit in stillness, in silence. Then float. Release your fears, anxieties, need to perform or whatever it is that weighs you down. Release them and rest in the arms of your Father, because truly I tell you His yoke is easy. Rest your soul in the arms of the One who delights in you.
All my love,
Bekah
