I’m going to be super real with you guys and be open about how I have truly been feeling recently about the Race. While right now I “should” be excited and ready to take on everything God has in store for me, I haven’t. I’ve been filled with sadness and fear looking at the year ahead, away from my home and everyone I love. Which honestly has made me feel exceptionally guilty. After many many days of crying over the task Pops has called me to, I desperately came to Him. Asking Him why I had to go, why I felt this way and why I didn’t feel I was in a good enough spot with Him spiritually. And then I sat and listened. And listened. And listened. And heard absolutely nothing. There was no answer given to me. No matter how hard I tried, nothing changed. Day after day I asked and there was no answer. I hate to admit this, but I gave up. I just believed that I would never feel close enough to God to fix this and I was going to be sad about leaving for the next nine months. But my Abba loves me and He was not going to let that happen.
As a senior at the end of the semester, I have been extremely lazy and would only spend ten minutes on my quiet time in the morning. However, on the last day of the first semester, I was wide awake 30 minutes before I usually got up. (Which let’s be real- never happens) So I made my coffee, grabbed my bible, and sat with Jesus. I opened my devotion for the day and was shocked to see that it simply said, “grace day.” It told me to use that day to catch up on my reading, praying and listening. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little frustrated, but Pops knew exactly what He was doing. I turned on some music, closed my eyes and waited. The second I closed my eyes, I saw Jesus. I saw him standing there smiling at me. As he started walking to me, I realized that I was a little kid and he was significantly taller than me. He knelt down beside me, kissed my forehead and grabbed my hand. We began walking and he led me right to where I needed to be.
“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3-4
After seeing this picture, the term childlike faith came to mind. I think that so many times I forget that I am God’s daughter. I am simply just a small child. And He has called me to live like so. To blindly trust everything He says and does, to be humble and teachable. When I do this, He will lead me right where He wants me. And my favorite part is, children are growing, learning, and changing. Pops is still working on me. He is slowly starting to change my heart and bring peace to my soul. So, I don’t have to feel guilty about my sadness and fear for next year. It’s okay that I don’t feel 100% ready for all that is coming at me. Because the creator of the universe is working with me and teaching me all there is to learn. All I have to do is grab his hand and follow.
Thank you so much to all my friends and family that have been supporting me through this season of life! P.S. bracelets are still for sale ;))
so much love,
ash
