So, it turns out that I’m a huge physical tough person. It calms me down, it makes me happy, it makes me feel loved (duh, the 5 love languages). I only discovered this at training camp after cinnamon roll prayers and lots of hugs. It explains why I always felt a little distant even from those I knew loved (and still do love) me. I remember someone asking why I was being so touchy before launching for the race and I didn’t even truly recognize that change in myself. In just 11 days it had turned into a natural instinct and desire. I needed it to feel connected.
So, why didn’t I realize this earlier? Why couldn’t I recognize one of my main love languages? I’ve been asking myself this for months now and the answer hurts.
Insecurity.
I was living in fear. I had to identify a deep rooted insecurity that I was disgusting. I never voiced it but I thought other people didn’t want to touch me. I thought if they touched me outside of intentional touches that they would not want to be around me. When my arm was against someone, I tried to scoot away. I would try to leave an inch of space between me and others.
I don’t really know where this came from but there it is. My first time voicing this is the words you are currently reading. It’s hard to write. It’s hard to face the dark basements of your heart. No one wants to admit the gunk is there especially when they don’t know how it got there. But it’s only once you turn on the light that you can start clearing the junk out.
So now I’m working through it. My team has helped me so much in this without even knowing. They have out poured love for me in the simply but mightiest ways. A back rub, couch cuddles, resting their head of my shoulder, knees touching while having dinner. These are so small, many times you don’t even think about them. But they are literally healing my heart from a wound I didn’t even see. I felt it of course, but i had no idea what it was.
This is vulnerability. This is how growth happens. This is how I tell you how to love me when I get back home. This is an area you can intercede for on my behalf. This is how I bring my darkness to light.
