As I’m sitting here stressing and working on my finals I took a break to look at my “on this day” memories on Facebook. Looking at a picture it hits me….. 5 years ago today (almost to the hour) I crossed a line and tried cocaine for the first time. 5 years ago today I was so lost and broken that I didn’t care what I did to try to escape my own mind. I had no hope and believed I was doomed to a life of pain. At this point I was an avid self harmer and drinker, was consumed by an eating disorder, anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. No one knew my pain and I hid it from everyone trying to paint the picture of a successful, perfect young adult. I worked 3 jobs and got straight A’s while taking 18 credits. I smiled, laughed, was there for my friends and did my best to make others happy. But I was dead inside.
“Thus says the Lord God to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live…and you shall know that I am the Lord.”
Ezekiel 37:5-6
Right now my biggest stressors are finishing these finals by tomorrow (honestly, no big deal) and prepping for the world race (which is an exciting thing just a lot of work). The difference is astounding. We get asked all the time where we see ourselves in 5 years…. I honestly didn’t think I would live 5 more years but the even scarier thought is that I didn’t want to. Life scared me.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Philippians 1:6
Yet here I am. By the grace of God I am alive. Not only that but I am JOYFUL and truly living. I am a couple weeks away from finishing an internship that has challenged and grown me in incredible ways. I am a leader for a young adults ministry with the opportunity to speak life into the people who walk through our doors. I’m an ambassador for the amazing program that truly introduced me to God and changed my life. I have completed an AA in ministry leadership and am already working on my Bachelors. I am working on 4 elementary school campuses sharing the love of Christ in a tangible way. I have experienced so much and met so many people that I love deeply. I am constantly tired because I am doing A LOT but at the same time I am overflowing with life and joy. I love what I do. I love what I am preparing to do.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Romans 15:13
Some people don’t understand why I want to go overseas for 11 months. But when there’s a call on my life to share the gospel that COMPLETELY TURNED AROUND MY LIFE…. I can’t turn it down. There is a deep desire inside of me for others to discover the freedom available through Christ. I know without a doubt that God is real and can perform miracles because that’s exactly what He did for me. He took the suicidal, depressed, self-destructive girl and turned her into a joyful and life-speaking woman.
“Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples.”
Psalm 96:3
Considering I could have never imagined where I would be today 5 years ago… I can’t say where I’ll be in 5 years. There will be challenges, there will be pain but more importantly, I will be stronger and closer to God. Everything that comes my way I can overcome because God is on my side. My plan is to have finished my bachelors and experience overseas missions but past that it’s completely in God’s hands. Despite my usual need for control… that’s a thought that completely excites me. For His plans are so much greater than I could ever dream up.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
