I’ve been working on this blog for almost as long as I’ve been accepted to the World Race (October 2017). Over the months I’ve spent writing, erasing, rewriting, editing, and all that jazz, I’ve contemplated when I should post it. This has been a work in progress since before I even left America, y’all. I wanted to make sure everything was done right and made sense in the best way I can convey it (it still probably won’t, but that’s okay).
I had my first experience with depression starting around 7th/8th grade. Man, that was a weird time in my life, haha. It’s something I kind of laugh about now, it doesn’t seem like an age where there’d be enough drama to cause such issues. Honestly, it wasn’t a fun time. From that point on depression, self harm, etc., was something I dealt with through most of the rest of my time in school. It most definitely hit me hardest throughout 7th-9th grade I’d say, but I still know it was hard from time to time all the way up to graduation.
The beauty of it: God has so much opportunity to bring restoration, beyond only you. He can use your story to encourage others and help them through a similar struggle, which you might have not ever known about had you not been giving the courage to share. God can create something wonderful from our brokenness, something we’re incapable of on our own. What an incredible testimony to the Lord, when you can look back from where you came from and see step by step how He guided you along, and brought you to the place you’re at now.
One of those beautiful things? Spoken word. I’ve always loved to write, both creatively and for school. Something I used to do a lot years ago was create poems/spoken word from whatever I felt or was going through. I had a whole collection of small writings I kept hidden away. Some of them I combined or reworked, but I ended up throwing them all out before I ever finished any of them. One of them, was some sort of poem. I’m not really sure what to call it, haha. It’s something I started when I was in 7th grade (here and there I’d work on it, but of course it was never finished). Eventually I just ended up trashing it along with everything else, but recently I’ve been trying to rework it into something new. Crazy enough, I still remember bits and pieces of the lines and rhythm I had in the original.
Here lies the miserable city
It’s dark, cold, with no welcoming comity
The streets lined with grey cast a never ending light
One that doesn’t shine but consumes anything bright
The roads are empty yet filled with doubt
To suffocate its victims should they ever get out
The buildings crumble day by day
Brick constantly falling away
As the rooms struggle to contain the things they wish they could say
The windows shut and locked hold a weight that cannot be matched
Boarded, nailed, hidden, covered, tucked away and latched
The streets are empty but filled with haze
The sky hides the sun in mysterious ways
But standing at the gate, look! A man with a smile, love and kindness in His gaze
He enters into the city, though not consumed by the dark
He meets me in the middle of the street, hands outstretched for my heart
His eyes are set on mine, never once do the fall
He stands before me silently, though I can always feel His call
He reaches for my hands to guide me, to lead me through the grey
To walk me through the streets of shadows, to bring me out into the day
I can’t trust myself to take it, it’s too good to be real and true
My faults only hurt the people around me, He’d never offer if He only knew
He stands before me waiting, minutes, days, years
But not once does He stray or falter, not once does He confirm my fears
Fears that I’m not enough, that I could never hold the worth needed
Instead He confirms His faithfulness, He radiates truth, light, and freedom
I take His hands in mine, the choice has now been made
He’s sent out the invitation, it’s time to accept His grace
An instant connection happens, a peace of which I could only dream to feel
He offers me the stillness of the water, the softness of green fields
He walks me through the streets, never pulling, but always guiding
Never forcing me to go His way, but I’m finished with the hiding
He leads me to the gate, the doors have no power to keep Him in
He takes me past the threshold, weight lifted I never knew had been
The sun is blindingly bright, an intensity I haven’t known
I turn to see His face, tears pouring – I’ve finally found my home
He kisses my forehead softly, He caringly wipes my eyes
But turns to enter the city, an angel in disguise
He goes in knowing every darkness, every lie, every game
Yet He does not fear regardless, His hands and feet have known that pain
I try to run and warn Him, that it’s impossible to escape
But the gates soon close behind Him, sealing in His fate
He makes His way down the dark grey road
As I stand confused and hurt, though I’ve seen this walk before
It’s the one He had four years ago, when He watched and offered grace
The same passion in His eyes, the same determination in His face
I recall the time He saved me, no, the TIMES He saved me
How He took me out of that place
Some walks were not as long, they didn’t require as far to go
But He walked them every. single. time.
And waited until I’d know
That He will always walk the distance, whether ten steps or ten miles
There’s no mountain He won’t climb up if it means His daughter finally smiles
So He continues on in search – never straying from His mission
To meet with others where they stand, to seek, find, and bring out His lost children
The city holds a power strong, you can feel it as you enter
But the power leaving is greater still – it’s the power of my savior
Something I’ve learned: It requires choosing joy. Now that’s definitely something I didn’t know back then or in the moment. Even if it requires buying into it every morning when you wake up, or even every single minute of the day, it’s completely worth it in the end. Of course, being surrounded by a community of supportive people is helpful, but it takes a lot of work on your own end to make the change happen. And IT’S HARD. SO HARD. Looking back, my life had the potential to end up radically different than how it is now. That’s truly and ONLY completely by the grace of God and His goodness. And especially now when I reflect, I can so clearly see every single moment in time when He moved in me and my life. It’s only through Him that I’m here. When people ask me why I believe, the answer is simple: There’s far too much evidence in my life, if I didn’t I’d only be trying to fool myself. It’s kinda crazy just how much I can look at and be like, “Yep, that’s Him. Definitely.”
The truth I know now: God won’t ever give you anything HE can’t handle. He fights right alongside us as we battle our demons. In fact, it’s Him who conquers, we’re just there for our partnership with Him through it. We have to be willing to say, “Yes, I am going to fight.”, and that’s where He comes in. We can’t do it on our own. He wants to fight WITH us (keyword being ‘with’).
Of course, there’s always going to be days when it’s harder to choose the Lord and to fight. The difference I can clearly see now is I have a confidence grown from the tools I’ve learned in combat. I have a God on my side (always) who literally can stop ANYTHING, and will help me when I call. I have NOTHING to fear, and no more weight to carry on my own. He’s got it! How silly of me to think I’ve messed up my life too greatly for Him to redeem. This is the God who made the MOUNTAINS that we’re talking about here – the one who threw the stars into the sky, stirred the waves into motion, warms the earth with the sun, grows the smallest of seeds into the greatest of trees, and wove me together into who I am. The greatest of detail and attention given to every speck in the world, even greater care and intention was put into creating me. Simply knowing that truth alone is enough for me to confidently stand and KNOW (fo real) that my God has GOT IT ALL. Everything. Every moment. Every detail. ALWAYS.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
