A year ago, I set out on a journey I knew would change me. Now I’m home. I’ve been home for months, but if I’m honest, it hasn’t always felt like home. Actually, in some ways coming home felt more foreign than any of the other countries. Coming home was my culture shock.
The nine months on the race were hard, but not hard in the way I anticipated. I expected the abundance of large bugs and spiders, I expected to have to finish my plate even if I didn’t like it, I expected the long hours in the airport, I expected the lack of personal space. Those are the things I thought would be hard. Yet when I got home, those things seemed normal. I expected to have relatively no comforts and to sleep in a tent. I honestly had no idea what it would look like. So I dreamed and imagined and tried to anticipate the good and the bad. I pictured wrong, but when do we picture correctly? Physically, the race was much easier than I expected. We almost always had beds, the food was really good most of the time, and we had many comforts. The things that were hard, were completely different than I thought, they were more social and emotional, and extremely hard to put words to.
People ask me how my trip was, and I say it was good. Sometimes that’s all I say. How was the race? Great! The end. The truth is I can’t even begin to summarize my trip. Not that I don’t want to talk about it, because I do, desperately so. The race was good. It also sucked. It changed me. A thousand words wouldn’t begin to describe it. I laughed harder than I ever have in my life. I cried harder. I sang louder. I danced wilder. I smiled wider. I talked longer. I traveled farther. I loved deeper.
The race was like opening my eyes for the first time. I saw the people in front of me like never before, and I loved them in a way I have never loved anyone before. It wasn’t my love, it wasn’t my sight, it was His. And it wrecked me. When you love someone, their problems become personal. Their problems are my problems, and they still live inside of me. I will never forget them. I never want to. But I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve tried to forget. I’ve tried to forget everything. I’ve tried to live in the United States like their lives don’t matter. I can not.
I loved the race. I also hated it at times. I got my heart broken over and over. When I came home I thought my world had shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t think I could ever put it back together, because I couldn’t. I had no plans. I was confused and disappointed. I felt so let down by the race. I thought I would come back better, I thought I would come back on fire for God. I thought I would be confident and more passionate. Instead I felt more broken than ever. I was empty and worn out. Everything was overwhelming. My first week back, I cried because my cat wouldn’t sit with me, if that gives you any idea.
I couldn’t understand why I felt so empty and broken, so I turned back on my race and pointed fingers. I blamed my squad, I blamed my leaders, I blamed AIM, but most of all I blamed myself. The way I saw it, I had failed. I had no passion. I felt burned out. I wanted so badly to be better, to have changed and grown. I couldn’t understand where I had gone wrong.
There were things about the race, dynamics with my squad, seeing so much poverty, that were really hard emotionally. It was like I had never processed any of those things, and when I got home I finally began to see and feel all the things I had just accepted before. Instead of missing the race, I was bitter, angry, and hurt. I actually had processed, but coming home brought a perspective I hadn’t anticipated and couldn’t have foreseen.
Despite all of this, being home has been beautiful. God has given me beauty for my brokeness. I’m always trying to do it without him, but it is his love and his light that pierces the darkness. It’s certainly not my light. I was angry at myself for seemingly losing my passion, for not being on fire for God. But it’s not my fire. It’s his. I don’t have to strive and strive to try and be something or someone. I am not earning God’s love. I can not earn God’s love. God’s love is overwhelming, beautiful. There are so many sides to his love. He will never leave us. “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow. Not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above, nor in the earth below, indeed nothing in all creation could ever separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus, our Lord.” (Romans 8:38). How could I have lost something that was never mine to lose? It’s his fire, his passion, his love, not mine, and it will never die.
The World Race is called the race because of the analogy in the bible which compares life to a race. It is described well in Hebrews 12:1-3. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” The race is not over. I have not finished. There is so much more to come. More brokenness and much more beauty. More freedom, more friends, more crazy moments.
This year, I’m just working and taking classes online. Next year, it is my goal to go to school in the Netherlands. On September 9th, the same day I left for the race last year, I had a meeting at a college in the Netherlands. They have a program called Global Project and Change Management. It is a business degree. If it all works out, I will study there next year.
I want to go into Micro Finance, which is financial services for those who typically cannot access loans or insurance. It gives loans, usually of small amounts at low interest, to people in poverty, allowing them to purchase materials to start their own businesses. I’m excited for the chance to give people an opportunity to change their lives for the better and follow their dreams. The idea with microfinance is to empower those in poverty rather than to give once, which can often create dependency. I especially want to help communities that lack basic necessities. Right now, it’s all just possibilities. We’ll see where God takes me with all of this.
There is one thing I know for sure. This life is bigger than me. I want others to know this love I have found in Jesus. I want to take the risk and face the unknown. Jesus is my everything, he is worth it all to me. How could I not talk about him? I want people to know how loved they are, and I want to love people well.
There were times on the race when I wondered whether what we were doing meant anything at all. I wanted so badly to make a difference, but most days all I could do was show up. This was especially true for our ministry in Costa Rica, which was one of my favorite ministries. I was with refugees from Nicaragua, in the slums of San José. They quickly became my friends, even though I could hardly communicate. I was stumbling over my Spanish left and right. God gave me so much love for these ladies and I still think of them often. I wanted so much better for them, but all I could do each day was come and do a craft, and try to speak in Spanish. Yet, somehow, just that meant the world to them. I guess sometimes all you can do is show up for someone else. I underestimate the difference that can make.
I think the biggest thing the race taught me is that it is worth it to love, even if it breaks you.
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Thank you so much to everyone who made it possible for me to go on the race, and for your continued support. I am so grateful for your help and encouragement. Everything I did on the race, could not have happened without you. You are all amazing. 🙂
Also, thank you to everyone who read this blog and surrounded me with love while I was away. It meant the world to me.
This will be my last blog, since I am no longer on the race. I just wanted to update you that I’m home, which is long overdue, and share with you what’s next.
You are in my prayers, and I wish you all the best.
Love Anna
