I’m currently on day 21 of the race. Isn’t that wild?! It’s flying by. The emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on since training camp has been a crazy ride, and I’d like to share it with you so that you can hopefully have a better idea of what the Lord has been teaching me as I leave everything familiar behind for nine months.
Leading up to launch I felt every emotion. I journaled one night, “It’s funny because I always ask God to do whatever He needs to do in my life in order for me to know Him more, and then He does and I’m like WOAH… I’m literally all over the board. I’m really excited. I’m stressed. Random muscles get really tense… my skin is kind of breaking out. I have a running to-do list in my mind… It’s like UGH I just wanna hit pause for a second! The enemy wants me to feel rushed. God wants me to be present. DEEP BREATH.”
Three weeks before launch I was in a rut of sadness. I had a few nights of crying myself to sleep, saying out loud to God, “I am so sorry, but I do not want to do the World Race.”
Two weeks before launch, I was feeling a lot better. God is so gracious and He gave me so much peace and comfort about everything!
Flash forward to the night before launch… “Holy. Crap. I leave TOMORROW for the race. I kind of can’t believe the peace I’m feeling… I feel sad, but I feel clear-minded.” PRAISE GOD!
Both of my parents were able to come to launch, which was awesome! That last night with my parents was a tough one. I cried through the whole worship set. And then I cried again as I chilled in their room one last time. They held me and prayed over me. Love ’em to death… The goodbye itself was gut-wrenching. I felt peace in a weird way, even as the tears streamed down my face while I waved to them as they drove away… yes, it was that dramatic. But, within a couple of hours I was slowly able to feel excited. The band-aid had been ripped off and I was ready. I still cried a lot, but I wasn’t fearful, just in shock.
A day and a half after that, we began the 4-day trek to Swaziland! I have the best memories of travel days. The last leg of travel was the 7 hour drive from South Africa to Swaziland, and it was the BEST experience! I cried like four different times just because I was so happy. After all the preparation we were finally HERE!
Upon arriving at our new home, I instantly felt overwhelmed. We are in the literal bush of Africa and it was dark so I couldn’t quite tell where we were. I had to take some deep breaths and get some rest. The following few days were amazing! Ministry hadn’t officially started so we basically had three days to adjust to the compound, get to know each other more, and spend time with Jesus processing this whole thing. It was a beautiful time!
However, on night four I had a breakdown. I randomly woke up at like 1:30am and I was shaky and just felt anxious. I began praying and listening to some music. I was up for about two hours until I finally fell back asleep. That triggered fear in the following days; fear that I’d have anxiety every night, fear that things were getting worse, fear that I couldn’t handle the race after all. I was letting Satan influence my view of the mission field. I just wanted to be at home with my family.
Through those days of struggling, God called me into a beautiful lesson of being completely vulnerable with Him! I journaled one night, “I know God has been revealing Himself to me, but I get caught in my flesh feeling like I’d rather just be safe and comfortable at home than be where God wants me. I don’t always trust God’s comfort. I view it as something to help me scrape by until I can be home again. I wish I could experience the same comfort of home while I’m here. I’ve experienced His peace that surpasses understanding, but why am I not constantly feeling that peace and comfort? I want to be present and grateful, but I cannot help that I don’t want to be here for three months. It’s only day eleven out of, like, so many days. I know I’m where I need to be, I just don’t like that this is where I need to be. Father, show me your glory. I just want to fulfill your will. Please have mercy on me. Please align my desires with yours. I love you, Jesus.” And, y’all… God heard me. He HELD me and blew me away with His grace.
I woke up the next morning feeling so content. I was so joyful and excited about the day. I journaled that morning, “God has showered me with gratefulness and contentment! I don’t even desire to be home right now. This is ALL the Lord! WOW! I don’t deserve to feel this good. I’m staying focused on the present and just enjoying how good I feel!” Hello, Holy Spirit! He literally grabbed my heart and infused it with Heaven. There is freedom in being vulnerable with the Lord. I hated admitting those things to Him in the moment, but I truly believe He wanted me to get to that point of surrender. He doesn’t owe me anything, but out of His LOVE for me He has chosen to give me peace and joy! Wow. Thank you, God.
Since then, I have felt genuine contentment every single day. And I KNOW it is because of Jesus. He has given me a desire for the stillness and quiet and slowness. Christ has totally aligned my desires with His for this season. I genuinely want to be here. That blows my freaking mind. I get to rest in the fact that I currently am content, I currently am desiring what He desires for me, and He is so good and steadfast that He will surely carry me through each day. I get to just be present and thank Him for sustaining me and allowing me to thrive in this very moment. What a PRECIOUS life we get to live with His Spirit in us!
May God bless you and give you the contentment and joy that He has been filling me and my squad with. It comes from Him alone. All praise to Jesus for being the same in America and Africa and EVERYWHERE!
God bless,
Anna 🙂
