Like I mentioned in my last blog post, I shared my testimony last night at my Christian fellowship group’s large meeting, NavNite. As I promised, here is what I shared.
Around and around, up and down,
Here and there, God is everywhere.
From near and far, through thick and thin,
God is, will be, and has always been.
Around the seventh grade, everything was fine until it wasn’t:
Social pressures to conform but the be unique, to gossip but be nice,
Familial expectations to achieve, succeed, and go above and beyond.
I found myself numb, emotionally and physically; death rooted so deep it was seeping out of me.
Around 15.30 every weekday, everything had grown quiet…ish.
No friends to hang out with and no one else home.
The only sounds were the occasional car passing by and the thoughts in my head that I couldn’t silence.
Thoughts of finally being alone, completely numb, and no longer a burden.
Around 12 years old, the only way I could feel anything was through self-induced pain.
It felt so good to feel again, until the shame flooded in.
Pain to shame to suicide ideation to suicidal attempts:
Overdosing, starvation, asphyxiation, or self-mutilation; didn’t matter how, my life just need to end.
Around 16.30 every weekday, guilt came to join the party of self-destruction.
Guilt is the only thing that kept me alive.
“You can’t let them find your dead body after getting home from school,” Guilt said.
They never knew and my sisters still don’t.
Up until this point, I was alone tortured by my thoughts mentally and my hand physically.
No one knew, no one saw, no one cared.
Those that did didn’t care enough to try to help…
But then a hazy light entered my shroud.
Up from a self-induced stupor, I was pulled.
Someone who saw, called me to wake—write a letter or to sit and talk.
God heard my silent cry and sent a trusted messenger to speak truth and life back into my dead body.
My mother lived out her identity, Angelia.
Down, I was pulled again into darkness.
Stress, a blinder that I could not shake:
Weight loss, sleep deprivation, and emotional breakdowns, I was held captive.
Spiraling downward evermore, I saw no end.
Down into the depths, God reached me yet again.
No sent messenger, but His message was loud and clear:
Just let go; stop worrying and just go.
And, in surrender, I found peace.
Around and around, up and down,
Here and there, God is everywhere.
From near to far, through thick and thin,
God is, will be, and has always been.
Here is where God met me: in suffering.
He called me to surrender, repentance, and obedience.
In the end, it was my choice:
To accept Him and His promise or remain captive to all my what-ifs.
Hearing God, I promised to find a church when I got there.
I sought out and found a desire to have a relationship with Him.
I committed to university, but I followed Him.
I promised myself to a perfect Bridegroom.
There is where I found an unfathomable peace.
Called to find a church, I found a community, a family.
I dove headfirst into community.
I was challenged; I was loved; I was seen.
Their challenge allowed me to be vulnerable.
Their actions excited me to stay.
Their lives inspired me into full life.
Their testimony excited me to go and see the world.
Everywhere, God is.
In Ohio, to New York, God is omnipresent.
From seventh grade to university, God has set a plan into motion that you can’t disrupt.
Surrounded by death to flourishing in joy, God calls you by name to accept the invitation to eternal life.
Around and around, up and down,
Here and there, God is everywhere.
From near to far, through thick and thin,
God is, will be, and has always been.
Nearer than a brother, sister, or even my breath, God is present.
God travels with me as I come and go.
He meets me where I am.
He waits for me at my destination before I arrive.
The nearness of the Loving Father has seen me cross the Atlantic and back.
Present in my semester in Prague, He opened my heart to love those that don’t know Him.
Present in my European adventures, He revealed the vast beauty of His Creation.
Present in community, He gathered His children to learn, study, and together grow.
Far greater expectations He had for me than Ohio and this university.
I bore witness to eyes seeing, ears hearing, and hearts breaking.
Eight countries over four months, I saw His Creation.
Three weeks in Zagreb, I loved His Creation.
As far as the horizon stretches in God’s love for you and me.
But, are you willing to be stretched to love me?
Not like me, but to actively seek my betterment.
Love isn’t true if it doesn’t do. Love does.
Far and wide His love and mercy spread.
He is calling us into that breadth.
He called me, is calling me to stretch the horizons of my heart and faith far and wide.
Further, than I’ve ever been — Zagreb, Croatia.
Farther than I could fathom, I was stretched.
Challenged continually— applying, raising financial support, preparing, travelling, serving, and learning.
Called to trust and surrender to God’s plan for my life— to love others like He loves me.
In surrender, I set my heart on loving His Creation and left for Boston.
Farther from Ohio I get, the more I find God.
Community in Manhattan, companionship in Boston, bonding in London, and trial on Sljeme.
Up on a mountain, with a heart set on love, I served.
Meeting my girls in their village was nerve-wracking and eye-opening; on a mountain, awkward and difficult.
Farther from them because of the language barrier.
Because of my skin color, because of my position over them.
Walls were built: emotional abuse, gestural threats, cursing, yelling, eyes full of disdain.
Pushed so far away all I thought about was packing and hiking down the mountain.
Thick with tension, the air on Sljeme couldn’t be filled with love.
Where was God in my hurt and suffering?
Does God walk with me at all times or not?
Was this what I was called to do?
Thick haze blinding my eyes, my heart saw hope.
If they don’t like me, won’t be grace-giving, can’t accept me, I will love them anyway.
Their yelling and screaming will be met with patience.
I will love them— give space, protect them— always.
Thin rays of love poked at the haze of hatred.
Slowly but surely my cold girls warmed up to me.
Learning some phrases, leading crafts, being candid and a constant.
I am here for King and Kingdom, not me.
Thinned tensions resulted in laughs, jokes, hugs, bracelets, and hair-braiding.
It’s amazing how the Lord works in the midst of pain.
Hearts were touched, souls led to Christ, lives forever changed.
I loved them and they loved me.
Then, I could say, “Nada bez granica”
And, even “Ljubi Gospodina Boga svojega svim srcem svojem,
Svom dušom svojom, svom pamecu svojom a svojega
Bližnega kao sebe.” Luka 10:27
Around and around, up and down,
Here and there, God is everywhere.
From near to far, through thick and thin,
God is, will be, and has always been.
God is the Creator of all, set things into motion.
Orchestrator of every single second in infinite time.
From seventh grade to Zagreb, God is in control.
Closer than your breath, present in all things the perspective-altering and the mundane.
God will be with you at all times.
During your Thanksgiving break in California.
My World Race in August.
Infinite and eternal is our Lord Father God.
God has been perfectly loving and merciful.
Waiting for you to surrender control; let go and let God.
Desiring your growth so you can step into what He is calling you to.
Seeking eternal life with you now, only made possible by His Son’s perfect and complete sacrifice and your belief in it.
Around and around, up and down,
Here and there, God is everywhere.
From near to far, through thick and thin,
God is, will be, and has always been.
