I found myself on a log overlooking the ocean, overwhelmed with the thoughts in my head. I walked around trying to find the perfect spot to sit, breathe, and decompress from the busyness of the past few days. I laid my bag down, took my shoes off, and shoved my feet into the wet sand as salty water splashed over them, soaking my pants. I looked ahead and asked myself, “How am I?”
What a loaded question. I find that my mind goes so fast throughout the day that the thought of slowing down and checking in with myself on how I’m feeling doesn’t cross my mind. I’m so focused on getting tasks done and making sure everyone else around me is doing okay that I lose sight of what’s going on with me. So how was I doing? Physically, tired. Mentally, confused. Emotionally, overwhelmed. Spiritually, unsure. I could sense that I was about to hit a wall and the Lord so gently urged me to say no to other activities for the day and spend time at His feet. So, I found myself drenched on a log crying out to my Father for clarity.
As I wrote in my journal and began deciphering through my thoughts, the Lord revealed so many areas that I had been controlling. He opened my eyes to lies I was believing, reasoning behind why I strive for man’s approval, why it’s hard for me to say no, several character builders, the beauty behind vulnerability, and the truth that He’s been walking with me through it all. I got to the point in conversation with Him where I asked, “What are you wanting me to surrender to You right now?” The list was long and my tears were many. I put on some worship music and prayed, laying it all out there, repenting of my sins and asking for forgiveness. Once saying Amen, I felt good. I walked away from my intentional time with God feeling refreshed, light, and with new energy. My head was high and smile wide.
A day passed and I began sensing that something was off. My head was low and mind deep in thought. I took some time to verbally process. In the moment, I felt frustrated and confused. I spent hours at the Lord’s feet and fully surrendered everything. So why was I feeling down and overwhelmed again? Why was I believing that because I was feeling down, that I didn’t fully surrender? Did I do it wrong?
As I sat across the table from a very dear and wise friend, she validated that I probably did fully surrender and that the emotions and feelings I’m experiencing now are not due to my lack of surrender. They are a choice. I could either sit and wallow believing that I surrendered ‘wrong’ or accept my Father’s grace and believe the truth that there isn’t a wrong way to lay at His feet. Just because I wasn’t feeling refreshed and light, didn’t mean my surrender wasn’t real. The lie of not feeling good enough does not make my surrender less worthy. It another area to be surrendered.
Surrender is a willful acceptance and yielding to God’s will. It’s letting go of the control you have on your own life and giving it to God. This is an action that’s needed every minute of every day because we are sinful, broken people living in a sinful, broken world. It’s not always pretty or easy, but it’s so good! We are constantly being shaped and molded into better versions of ourselves as God reveals areas to surrender to Him. It’s an act of obedience we choose to step into that is not always dependent on how we feel.
As you walk about your day, I challenge you to sit and think about your definition of surrender. What does it look like for you? What is God asking you to lay at His feet?
Much love always,
~A
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
