Thump…… Thump…..Thump….Thump. I closed my eyes. I took a deep breathe through my nose. I clenched my hands into tight fists and sent a silent prayer to the lord, “Your words Lord, not mine. Oh God fear is simply faith in what satan says. I will not give satan ground.” The thump of the traditional animal skin drum they were playing hit home. Couldn’t anyone else feel it? The fear that was beating like a violent heartbeat through me. The moment ended. The drum beat stopped. I unclentched my hands. I exhaled. I opened my eyes. There…. there I was. I looked out at my audience. 30 young men looked back at me. My view from the pulpit was daunting. Tattoos covered their face, bloodshot eyes that had seen more than I care to imagine stared back with curiosity at me. When I was told I would be working at a rehab center I was thrilled. When the Lord told me he wanted me to do a holy spirit lead sermon on temptation I was mortified. Who was I? Who was I to tell all these suffering men how to overcome temptation? The only way I knew how…. by being honest. I told them I felt like an idiot standing before them, a privileged American girl teaching them on how to overcome drug abuse. I told them that I felt convicted giving such a message when I struggled and failed by temptation so often. And then…. Before I knew it I was on my knees amoung these men pleading in front of my God. I cried out to my God as I came boldy to the throne and admitted my failures and my embarassingly strong need for him and I pleaded with those young men to do the same. To resist temptation. After the sermon, a sermon I can positively say did not come from me, i sat down with a smaller group of these men and asked… with vulnerability, “So uh…. do you have any questions for us?” And after living in this culture for 1 month I did not expect an answer. The people here were shy and often times liked to stare at us but never speak to us. But no… not this time. The questions they had came flooding out! “Why when I cried out to God did he not answer me? How do I live the rest of my life being seen as an outcast? How am I to show grace?” They were difficult questions. Questions I have had for years and never had the answers to. But this time I was completely unafraid. I encouraged them to pray, to persevere, to keep their hope. I prayed over them as well and spoke out any shame and any lies. My heart was on fire.
Now through all this one man in particular stuck out to me. I could not resist going to him and so after diligently answering all the questions. I approached the young man who looked like a force of nature. A cigarette stuck out from between his teeth, a tattoo of the grim reaper spread across his neck, but fear was an emotion of the past for me And so I sat next to him and immediately knew why I was drawn to him. He was dripping forthrightness. I knew that this young man would hold nothing back. And so if he was not going to hold back…. neither was I. I asked him everything, “What drugs did you do? Why did you do them in the first place? Do you honestly think you will relapse and go back to drugs after rehab?” And without shame he answered every single question. And for the first time I felt like I could breathe again. He was not hiding anything from me and I would hide nothing from him. It was pure, frank, genuine conversation. However, when asked what he wanted to do when he got out of rehab and what was he going to do with his life. He gave me the most soul wrenching answer, “When I was a kid people continually asked me.. what do you want to do when you grow up? And I would always tell them that I wanted to be superman or even Batman. But now people ask me and I tell them I just want to live a normal life. I just want to be normal.”
My. Heart. Shatters.
No matter where he goes from here he will be seen as an outcast. Not even church’s will accept him into their community. He was able to be so vulnerable with me because I was letting him know that he had worth. That God had a plan for his life. That in the world’s eyes he might have been an outcast but in the Lord’s eyes he was a beloved son of the most high king. It will be awhile before I go back to that rehab center and speak to that young man but I will be ceaselessly praying for him. Because the love and the honesty he showed me today was more precious to me than gold. God looks at the heart of every man and if I came on the world race and all the way to india just so I can look that young man in the eyes and tell him He is priceless in the eyes of his creator it was worth it.
