Hey y’all! So today’s blog is going to be a little messy and a lot of vulnerability & honesty. Growth happens in the messiness, in the hard times and I want to show that here too. I want to look back and see that the Race isn’t all glitter & rainbows and that’s how I was transformed. So here goes!
Month 4 has been hard, harder than I thought. I stepped into Team Leading this month and in that I’ve had to battle fears, doubts, and not falling back into people pleasing. People pleasing can seem good from the outside, but in reality it trains your mind to make decisions based off of other people’s feelings instead of your wants. It has made me feel isolated, confused, and missing home more than ever. I’ve entered this place on the Race that we call The “B Zone”. Essentially the B Zone is a place where you fall into complacency, exhaustion, and homesickness. It’s made me worry, worry a lot about what after the Race has for me. Will I go home for a while? Will I go to school? Will I move to Georgia? How soon will I find a job? All these things that make it hard to be present and worsen my want for the next 5 months to go fast. I found myself crying multiple times a day at big and small things. I didn’t want to open up to my team about what was happening. I didn’t want to talk to friends at home. And all I wanted to do was lay in my bed to see if that would make the rest of the Race go faster…news flash, it doesn’t. They tell you that if you want to get out of the B Zone then you have to make an effort to climb out of it, to fight to keep going, I see so much truth in that. I know God wants me here, but I would be lying if I said that I haven’t considered what it would mean to drop out and head home this month. I know it would be the wrong decision, but everything in my flesh in telling me that it would be okay, I wouldn’t be sad anymore, I could continue where I left off when I left 4 months ago & everything would be okay. But when I really sit and think about it, I know that isn’t possible. I wouldn’t be able to leave my squad half way through and be okay with it when I got home. I would see & hear all they’re doing and realize I should be with them. When I look at myself in the mirror, aside from looking physically different, I see a new Alexus. I’ve changed, a lot, and I won’t go home the same & I don’t think I’m ready to face that quiet yet. God wants me here. He wants me to go to Myanmar next week and then back to Thailand in a month. He wants me to go to Swaziland and hug orphans, dance with people we meet walking to ministry, and show the sick that they’re more than a statistic. These are the things that keep me here. These are the reasons that it’s all worth it, to see Heaven brought down to Earth.
So, here I am on Saturday morning at debrief, reflecting on what God has done and how He’s changed me. I can see where He has made me wiser, where I’m more confident. I see myself becoming a good leader and stepping into new levels of self awareness. I see the intimacy that I have with Him that’s only gotten deeper since being on the field. And I see how I’ve loved the people around me well, bringing Kingdom wherever I am.
Wherever we are is where He is. That’s enough. In the valley, on the mountain top, away from loved ones or with them, He’s with us. Lean into Him in all the seasons of life, He is steadfast and comforting.
He is with us, praise God, He is with us.
