As my time here in Guatemala comes to an end and I prepare to leave, I’m processing all the Lord has brought me through these first three months. And man, did He completely wreck me! He wrecked my opinions, my way of thinking, the way I relate to & trust the people around me, and even some of the things I believed about Him.
If you’ve read one of my previous blogs, “Orphan Hearts & Blacksmiths” then you know that my time here hasn’t been the easiest emotionally or spiritually. Today, I want to let you in deeper on what God brought me through and the redemption that He has brought. It’s going to get vulnerable and real, but I believe God will show Himself here.
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I didn’t necessarily grow up in the most ideal of situations, and it wasn’t always healthy. When I was two years old my mom and dad split, due to an abusive & controlling environment. A couple years later my mom married my step-dad and our family was whole, as I grew up he stepped into being the dad I deserved. My mom and dad shared custody of my sister and I, so on the weekends we would go and visit my dad. It was never something I enjoyed, he didn’t spend time with me, didn’t really talk to us and I can’t remember a time when he said he loved me. These things planted deep, negative seeds in me at a young age.
When I was 12 I was old enough to see the difference between how my step-dad, a man who never HAD to be my father chose to be, and how my biological father treated me. I made the choice to live with my mom full time and not see my dad anymore.
Even now almost 9 years later, I still haven’t seen him.
I didn’t realize until July of this year truly how much his lack of emotional presence in my childhood effected me. At training camp I felt the Lord start the process of healing, but after training camp I put it on hold. Fast forward two days into the World Race and God lets me see myself for truly how broken I am. I didn’t trust Him, the men in my life, and I didn’t trust anyone when they said I was worthy or enough. For so long I believed that because my dad chose to not be involved, it meant I wasn’t good enough, interesting enough, or that I was someone not worth being proud of. These opinions of myself effected every relationship in my life, and how far I would let myself trust the Father. See, I didn’t believe I was worthy to be the daughter of a King and have all that comes with that, how could I if I wasn’t even enough for my earthly father?
The Lord wrecked me.
After these realizations I saw how this one seed grew into a massive tree that took root in all of my mind & heart. It effected all of who I was, I found my identity in this tree. It was all I knew, it was comfortable.
God and I began chipping away at this lie and all the little branches it made, like
“I’m not a good friend.”
“I’ll never be free.”
“I’m not worthy of living for the Lord.”
And “A man will never love me.”
For the first two months we worked through all of this together. He squished all of those lies and led me into deeper understanding of myself & deeper intimacy with Him.
A few weeks ago, at the start of month three, I had an inner healing scheduled with my squad leaders. During an inner healing you ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what needs to be healed that night. God told me that I need healing from the situation with my dad and that I needed to forgive him in order to move on. That night God showed me how He sees my dad, He spent two months showing me how I’m seen, now it was my turn to see him.
I walked out of room 7 that night free, lighter even.
I was told months before that Race that these first three months would be hard and refining & set a foundation for the rest of my life, I’m happy to say that God has been faithful in that. I’m more assured, free, and ready to taken on Asia while learning to walk in my true identity.