All the hard emotional things, that’s what month one was.
If you know anything about me, you know that I’m a people pleaser which means that I avoid talking about the hard things I’m going through for fear of burdening someone…but God is calling me out of that, and now it’s time to share with those of you at home. Grab a snack, read this with your morning coffee, and be excited (or not, ya know whatever works for you)!
Prior to launching, I had two people on two separate occasions prophecy over me that my time here in Guatemala was going to be hard, and that I was going to be a warrior on the front lines. I brushed it off saying “yeah, spiritual warfare, lets go!” not realizing at the time that I was going to be fighting for myself. Then on day two of The Race, God drops that bomb on me along with “Alexus, you don’t trust me when I tell you how much I love you and how worthy you are. When you don’t trust me in that, you can’t walk in who I’m calling you to be and you can’t fully help others walk into that either.” I didn’t realize the lack of self-worth that I was walking in, and I didn’t realize that I didn’t trust God when He said that He loved me unconditionally. I knew in my head that I was a Child Of God but in my heart I still felt like an orphan, alone & unloved. This one revelation led to several small ones; lots of healing sessions, painful reopening of past wounds, and remembering people who hurt me deeply, but oh so much growth!
Things that the Lord has taught me so far in this process;
– That I am not unworthy of God’s love or a man’s because one man didn’t love me like he should have.
– That only God can heal wounds the right way.
– That God is enough, but community is a beautiful thing that He’s given us so we have people who walk with us through the hard things.
– “The King is proud to be seen with exactly who you are in this moment. Yes I’m molding you, but I’m not manipulative. I want to love you and love you well, better than any man can. He didn’t but that doesn’t mean that I won’t. My love is unashamed and constant, it doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re not, but it has all to do with what you are! My daughter. My bride. MY Alexus.” – Excerpt from a love letter my Abba Father wrote me. *insert all the sappy feels*
What He’s bringing me through right now;
– Letting people love me does not mean that I’m a burden.
– That I have good things to say.
– Fully believing that I’m someone worth being loved, known & heard.
The process of growth in general is not an easy one, no matter what area God is calling us to grow in. We have to walk through some fire, we have to be willing to take the heat because it’s what’s going to make us malleable in the hands of the Father. Like a blacksmith making a sword, he has to get the metal hot enough to be made into this perfect image that He already sees. Once the metal is hot enough, he begins pounding it to form it into the sword, never letting it break or let it cool down until the process is finished.
God wants to mold you, all through your life He wants to keep pounding away at the parts of you that need to look more like Him. Are you letting Him take you through the fire? Are you letting Him shape you? It’s not easy, it’s painful & hard but my golly miss molly if it means we’re becoming more intimate with our Creator and that the enemy is loosing, isn’t it worth it?
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After feeling sick for most of my time on the field, I finally went to the doctor this week and found out that my intestines are inflamed & swelling causing me to be in a lot of pain. I’m having to take medicine for a week and cut out several foods from my diet or else it’ll come back. Please keep me in your prayers as I heal, figure out finances from unplanned medical expenses, and that after this week it doesn’t cause anymore problems!
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Fundraising woooo! $5,500 left to raise and personally I’d like to be fully funded by Christmas Eve. You can donate at the top of my blog or give to me on my Venmo (@Alexus-Peavy). Thank you all for all the love & support!
