This year has started off really really tough. It’s been attack after attack on everyone I know and it’s just been so tiring. The enemy knows that this year is full of revival, restoration, and redemption, and he’s doing everything he can do prevent that. I have been experiencing this first hand and the past four weeks have really had me questioning if God is all He says He is.
The first week had me questioning the goodness of God. If God is so good, why do people die? Why does God allow for so many people to be hurting? He is the God of miracles, so why couldn’t He do something this time? I really have a hard time with seeing things only through my eyes. I want to know everything, I want to know why things happen and what will happen next and what good is going to come out of this awful situation. I just really struggle with trusting God when terrible things happen that don’t make sense to me, but Proverbs 3:5 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” I don’t understand pain and I surely don’t understand God, but I’m okay with not understanding and just trusting.
The second week had me questioning if God really forgives and forgets. I was reminded of my past mistakes, the things that caused me to stumble and not be the woman of God that He has called me to be. I was hurt, I felt inadequate, I felt like people wouldn’t look at me the same, and if they couldn’t, how could God? I found myself for the first time genuinely asking God to forgive me and to direct me to another path, the narrow one, but yet I felt so broken and so far gone that I didn’t know what to do next. It’s hard for me to forgive someone and not hold a grudge, so it’s hard to imagine that God can do that so easily, yet He says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (Hebrews 8:12).
The third week had me questioning if God truly loves me. I had decided to put all my hope and happiness into someone other than God, which seemed really great until it wasn’t and I was left feeling alone and broken. I felt like since no one else seemed to really want me, He definitely didn’t. After all, I had kind of pushed Him into the back of my mind as I chased after my earthly desires, so how could He love me anymore? It seemed like the unconditional love I had always heard of just didn’t exist anymore, but as time progresses, I am seeing that God is working in my favor, He is for me and not against me. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
The fourth week had me questioning if God really understood what I was going through. I had really struggled this week through the betrayal of a friend and the hurt it brought to me, and I found myself crying out to God wondering why He let that happen. I felt so stupid, I felt so alone and like no one really understood the pain I was feeling, but I am reminded of Peter. Peter was such an honorable disciple, he really loved Jesus. Him and Jesus were like super tight, like seriously the ultimate friendship goals, yet Peter betrayed Jesus and denied him three times. Jesus knows betrayal, He knows it better than anyone, better than I do. So in the midst of my flesh trying to take over, I am reminded that Jesus forgave Peter, and I am called to be like Jesus, even to those who hurt me.
These past few weeks have been difficult. They’ve required surrender and sacrifice, and I’ve had the opportunity to learn a lot about myself. While the hurt I’ve been feeling really stinks, I am recognizing that it is part of God’s plan for my life and that He is molding me to be all that I can in my life and on the Race. Something I heard last night at a woman’s conference was that we need to mend our fences so our problems don’t go into someone else’s yard, and that we need to stay on the ladder, not in the chatter. It’s so hard to fight battles when we are trying to do it alone. We can’t, it’s impossible, but the thing is, we don’t have to. The war is already won.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (Isaiah 43:2).
