Today I had a 4 yr old ask me about seasons. We were talking about Fall and he wanted to know why it was Fall. Simple enough question but the philosopher in me chewed on it all day. Why do we have seasons and how come our lives seem to happen in chunks? I had an older resident at work today tell me that science has proven that life goes faster the older you get. It certainly seems that way.
The past few days I have been helping take care of 4 awesome kids but it has made my season of life crystal clear. By getting a full taste of a season that I am not in, it has shed some light on certain facts. I am single and I am a lot more selfish then I realize. But I’m being uprooted and growing and it hurts. Support raising is hard, preparing to say good bye is hard and change is hard. It has been a hard emotional, physical and spiritual summer but in other ways it has brought a lot of perspective. I have a family who loves and adores me that makes it hard to say Goodbye. I work with wonderful families and coworkers who have been a blessing the last few years, which makes it hard to say Goodbye. I live in a country where people can afford to sacrifice financially to help send me, which is humbling and overwhelming me with how loved I am by both God and others.
My blessings have been becoming my burdens because the cry on my heart keeps saying, “Do you love me enough to let it go?” I’ve known for a long time this is what he has for me. I’ve wanted to travel and love on people pretty much for as long as I can remember. I still remember sophomore year of HS when I decided academia wasn’t for me. (My parents loved that by the way, we had lots of talks about valuing my education) I even went to college because I thought it was what I had to do. Ironically Sophomore yr again I tried to quit and God said no. (I won a full yr of instate tuition from a raffle my mother entered and that was my answer… and a whole other story.) Yet, even my philosophy degree has to do with people. It was the one major where I got to write papers about Jesus for my homework. I prayed through every single stinking assignment but I also found ways to write about my hope, joy, value and purpose for living I usually put God somewhere in all of them. Confronting my teachers who wanted to believe truth was relative and challenging me to really think through what I believed and why. Being a light and loving them in a place where people often tune out their hearts in the pursuit of knowledge.
But to everything there is a season, I worked at Operation Blessing and then now with Portsmouth Housing Authority because my job is a tangible way for me to love people. God opened doors and made a way for me to love on them and be loved by them. I really do love my job, it is crazy and keeps me busy but knowing I make a difference to those families fills my heart. Getting to care for those kids is part of why I get up everyday. If I ever started hating doing that I would have to change my job. Helping watch this family of 4 the last few days though has been shaping my heart for this next season. As I cooked them dinner with clean running water, tried to figure out the composting thing, read bunches of books, prayed for them and sang over them as they climbed into their warm beds under a safe roof with locked doors and working electricity something has clicked in my heart. He has been preparing me to love people I haven’t met from the very beginning.
I have been so afraid of what seeing the pain in this world will be like. If my heart can handle breaking that much. But today and yesterday he has been changing my heart to start to love them already. I might not have met them yet but in my heart I already love them. I love that I will get to sing to them, play with them, help them and pray for them. I love that I get to share in their lives and meet their families and the hard working people taking care of them. Taking care of kids is hard work, loving people sometimes can be hard work, but when you love someone it makes it worth it. I think this season in its growing pains has been showing me that I am making room for more love and in a way more people.
God is in control, if I started asking why and how, while loosing sight of the who it would seem hopeless and depressing. But because of the who it isn’t either of those. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t exactly know why seasons happen but I do know they always have a purpose.
Thanks for taking the time to read about my season. If there is anything I can be praying for about the season you are in please feel free to send me a email or a message.
Now it is bed time so that we don’t miss the bus in the morning 🙂
