This is my last world race blog.
One year ago today I stepped off a plane and my world race year ended. It was a surreal moment. The moment the plane touched down I felt freedom, no more making group decisions with 30 other people. But then I also felt so trapped— trapped by the expectations of other people and my own expectations.
When the race was coming to an end, with all my heart I willed for every minute to stretch longer. I did not want my time on the field to end. I knew in my heart I could go another six months easily. But my body was reeling from malaria, typhoid fever, and pneumonia. I got super sick and the end of the race and I lost a significant amount of weight. I looked, well… like I had just spent the last month in a refugee camp in Africa.
But I would literally do it all over again.
The best parts of the world race (this is in no particular order): the community. Its suffocating at times, dramatic, and “extra”. But it sharpens you. It holds up a mirror to who you are now and it speaks life into who God has made you to be. I have best friends from the race who I will never ever let go. They are my family. The adventure: literally everyday is an epic adventure, even if you are moving sticks in the jungle, teaching english to kids, or traveling on a bus. You’re in another country doing things you may never get the chance to do again. I’d give anything to spend another day in Haiti loving the neighborhood kids and riding on top of the school bus to ministry (yes on top). I’d give anything to drink juice in a bag in Asia, or laugh with the Sudanese refugees in Uganda. The growth: I grew in ways in my relationship with God. I learned what it means to be His child, His beloved. I know in heart-way that I belong to Him and I am loved by Him. I had been taught that prior, but now I’ve experienced it.
Transition home in Phases:
Phase One: The Jump
When the race ended, my squad landed in DC on December 3, 2018. I drove to New York City with my world race besties, and stayed for a little while and then promptly boarded a plane back to Africa to stay with some missionary friends. I didn’t actually make it home until Christmas Eve. Then after that, I spent a lot of time traveling. I attended Project Search Light and tried to get some sense of my bearings. And then any time it started snowing I left for Hawaii or Phoenix. I also flew to Houston and surprised my world race best friend when she got home from team leading. It was the best. It was also in this time I started dating. This has been a big and wild adventure of its own. ((Love you Ben!))
Phase 2: The Freefall
It was in month 4 of being home I noticed something, my bank account growing very small. There were also all the people asking, “okay, now what?” At this point I didn’t have a plan. So I got a government desk job. I went from playing with elephants, hiking in the Himalayas, running on the plaines in Africa to sitting at a desk writing reports, day in and day out. It has been hard. There have been breakdowns. There have been thoughts of literally running out the door and never returning. There we days I felt so disillusioned. I felt like the race had not happened. I felt distant from God and trouble connecting in the same way.
The busyness of American engulfed me. The narrative that “you are what you achieve” washed over me and made me feel like my worth was wrapped up in what I produce. I felt a lot of emptiness.
Phase 3: The Landing
I’m really glad for all the things God put in my life in 2019. I’ve made a new best friend in this season. I’ve experienced joy and happiness like I never had before. These moments have all been moments of light that have shown me a way forward in a season that has been at times, tedious and withstanding.
I have a lot of hope for the future, as this season of transitioning home is finally ending. I am so impatient for the next season to start. But I know the race, while it’s over, the lessons I learned are not. God changed me forever. I knew about God before, but now I know God. People and places are permanently engraved on my heart. This year broke me mind, body, and soul forever, and I will never be the same. But it’s in such a good and indescribable way.
And the work is really just getting started. Coincidently, my world race best friend and I filed for our nonprofit status today for a nonprofit we are starting with our ministry host in Rwanda. And like I said I have pretty high hopes for each day moving forward.
Thanks for everyone who loved and supported me on the race. Your love and support is immeasurable to me and I cannot thank you enough. And those who love and support me all the time. You are me people.
