Letting Go
Hello everyone! I know I just recently posted a blog, but that one was way overdue. I have decided to post again about what the Lord has been working in my heart lately and to provide an update wrapping up ministry last week. This blog is going to be quite vulnerable, so bare with me as I put my thoughts and feelings into written words.
The B zone… we learned about it at Launch, and again during our first month, but the idea of it always seemed so far away and was so vague I had no idea what to expect. We were taught about three zones… A, B, and C. With A zone comes the thrill of the Race, where everything is still new and the fresh excitement is still there. The second, B zone, is a pit. It’s the low point where most people are tempted to give up, to go home. Everyone’s B zone looked different, so I had been constantly wondering what exactly mine would look like. Any time my heart ached for home, or anytime I felt distant from the Lord, I asked myself, “Is this it? Have I reached B zone??”.
Well, I have finally reached it, or at least a level of it. Before I share with you what my B zone has looked like, there are some things you should know about me.
I have struggled with insecurity since my freshman year of high school. I started gaining weight, and with it came a dark shadow of self loathing that constantly nagged at my thoughts. I have disliked how I look for the past four years of my life, and my weight has unhealthily fluctuated in those years. Despite my efforts to maintain a healthy eating and exercising schedule, it has always crashed and burned. Because of this, I have been at a battle with myself. Anytime I fell short of the limits I put on myself, I would get so frustrated at my failure. I also felt so much guilt for constantly focusing on myself… even now, I am concerned about the amount of times I have used “I” and “myself” in this blog (but I’m not sure how else to do this, so I’m just gonna roll with it). This battle has been a never ending cycle.
When I was accepted into the World Race Gap Year, I finally felt like I might be able to conquer this thing. A new surrounding might help, right? I was sure I would be so active all the time I wouldn’t even have to worry about exercising. Wrong. So so wrong. My struggles have nothing but increased since my Race began. I recently tried to just accept how I look… who cares, right? Besides, I’m here to spread the Lords love, not focus so much on myself, much less what I look like. But that is so much more difficult than it sounds. Comments made in my past constantly appear at the worst times, heightening my insecurities. My B zone has looked like the resuming of this struggle and battle with myself.
During one of our team times recently, we were asked to write down what we knew to be true about ourselves. I chose to write, in addition to that, what I wanted to be true about myself. I wrote that I want to strong, generous, and thoughtful. The next question was what the Father thinks about us. To my surprise, I received the word strong, over and over again. I have never considered myself strong, whether it be physically or mentally. When I shared this with the team, Sara Mac gave me a verse to look up in my own time… 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.
This morning, I was sitting in the sanctuary of our church, writing in my journal, and I realized something. I have been so stubborn and have been trying to control what I literally cannot on my own. I realized I won’t gain any control until I completely let go of it and surrender it to my Father. Without Him, I will never succeed… and why would I want to, if He is not woven through every aspect of my life? I opened my Bible to 2 Corinthians, to the verses Sara Mac gave me. Verses 9 and 10 captured my attention… “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” WOW!!! His power is made perfect in weakness… In Him, I am strong! No wonder I was so confused when He told me this… I didn’t even pause to consider that maybe He didn’t mean on my own. I decided to fast my lunch, and during that time to listen to what He has for me. Apparently what He has is to share this all with you, because I am currently sitting alone writing this while my team eats lunch. Somehow, I’m not even mad about it… and, guys, lunch here is the best meal.
So that is what has been going on in my heart recently… in other news, our ministry that I shared about in my last post has been over for the past week! The Nativity was incredible! Almost 150 people came over the two nights, and 11 people accepted Christ. So good to see the fruit of our work here! Also I only messed up my lines a few times, so thats something to celebrate too… and there were bunnies, which made for adorable props to hold when pretending to walk around Bethlehem. Our new ministry looks like helping our host in any way we can, as they prepare for the big move to North Chile. Packing boxes and organizing for moving happens to be right up my ally, as I have moved houses 6 times in my life.
Prayer for peace in the hearts of my incredible hosts Juan and Elvira would be most appreciated, as this season in their lives is incredibly stressful.
Thank you so much for reading! Until next time 🙂
