A dark fog.
That’s what it felt like.
It was heavy. It was clingy. I felt like I was shrouded in it. It was lingering, hovering, ever-present.
It had been this way since I had stepped foot in this country – Thailand – and I was about done with it. The team of missionaries that lives here warned us about a spirit of miscommunication and apathy that they have been struggling with in this city. And despite the warning, I still found myself here- trapped dead in the center of apathy.
That month (April- month 9), as I shared my struggle, several people asked me what APATHY even was? “What does apathy mean” they would shyly ask. This surprised me. That such a huge scheme of the enemy was very much unknown to strong, beautiful believers in Christ. But that’s just what the enemy wants. To slyly slither his way in, unbeknownst to us.
Apathy:
Without feeling.
Without suffering.
Lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.
Indifference, passivity, detachment, dispassion, lack of involvement, coolness.
“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm- neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”
Revelation 3:15-16
I found myself present in body for “ministry” but absent in mind and spirit. It wasn’t like I wasn’t showing up for ministry, or not praying, or not worshiping. I was doing all of it, but it felt empty. It was like that kid who is Charlie Brown’s friend who is always walking around with that dust cloud following him everywhere he goes- that’s what it felt like. I couldn’t shake it.
As I laid in my bottom bunk bed one night, I started letting the cloud grow darker and darker. I put myself in the victim circle. This lasted about twenty minutes before I realized that I had a choice in the matter. I could choose to continue down this dark, empty road of numbness and self-pity, but I knew where that road led, because I’ve been there many times, it only gets emptier and darker..
OR
I could choose to fight.
So, even though I didn’t feel like it, even though my mind was tired and my spirit felt numb, I began to speak His promises.
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28
“Lo, I will be with you always, even unto the ends of the earth.”
Matthew 28:20
“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:17-18
“Be still and know that I am God.”
Psalm 46:10
I spent that night fighting, speaking, declaring His promises, His goodness, His faithfulness. But the next night I found myself in a worship service, heavier than ever. Numb! I found myself so easily distracted and so disinterested!
That was it! I had had enough.
I left the service and went and sat out on the 8th story balcony.
Me and God were gonna have a conversation and I was gonna stay there all night if it took that long to figure this out because I refused to live numb! Which just that statement in and of itself was crazy to hear myself say since that was the way I had actually preferred to live my life in the past.
“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
2 Corinthians 5:17
I sat there, talking into the night like, what probably sounded like a crazy person. I laid it all out there. How I felt numb. How I felt empty. I had no passion. For anything! And how I didn’t want to live that way. Not now. Not ever again.
I told Him that I would be sitting there all night until He told me how to fix this. My mind started asking questions, “Have I done something that I need to ask forgiveness for that is making me distant?” “Is there a lesson you want me to learn?” “Do I need to take more authority over the enemy?”…
Immediately He brought to my mind a conversation that He had put on my heart to have, nearly two weeks ago (almost the exact same time I began feeling this way) that I had been putting off.
But God…. that’s a hard conversation to have! I know its good and I know I’ve prayed about it… but still! It’s hard!
Despite my immediate rebuttal, there was almost a simultaneous immediate reaction of-
“Alright! I’ll do it!”
“If that’s what it takes to get this feeling to go away, if that’s what it takes to feel close to You- alive in You- again, let’s do this!”
And so that’s what I did. Right then and there. I went into the service, grabbed my headphones, and trekked right back out to that balcony, sat my butt down and dialed that number and had that hard conversation.
It was nearly a two hour conversation. It was hard, but I could already see the fruit coming from it. By the time I hung up the phone, I hadn’t even realized how much lighter I felt. I had so much joy! I could feel again! The apathy was gone! Just like that!
Again, again, again.
God keeps bringing me back to this concept of OBEDIENCE. Such a simple thing, and yet I get the feeling that it is a key that unlocks an innumerable amount of doors.
Obedience unlocked the door that was holding me in apathy. It was such a simple thing too, but I really had to seek the Lord to figure out what He wanted from me. It was as if He was asking me,
“How bad do you want it?”
“How bad do you desire to be close to me?”
It was a cool moment, out on that balcony, to realize how far God had brought me. From just a few years ago, living comfortably in numbness and great distance from God, to now, stubbornly sitting out on a balcony ledge on the 8th story of a concrete building in Chiang Mai, Thailand, at 9 o’clock at night, refusing to leave until He drew close to me again, until He breathed His life in me again.
And praise the Lord that He did.
That He does.
That He always will.
“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:13
Obedience and Surrender from Australia <3
