Today I slept for the majority of the day due to not sleeping in the airport last night. When that happens, you tend to have a hard time falling asleep at night. So here I am, laying in bed listening to music, silent with my thoughts. Mind if I get vulnerable for a second? So that I can do what I always do and show you how God gives me grace and teaches me? Good, here we go…
I am the type of person who strives for perfection. I know that is not bad, but when it becomes the type of striving that is distracting and also prideful, it becomes a problem. I am my worst critic, and that is the most true statement ever. When I do something that may seem important or prestigious in my sight, I tend to subconsciously critique myself immediately after. Whether that be have a conversation with a lost person, or lead worship infront of 2 squads, or even stand before a congregation of people from another country attempting to bring a message to them. I immediately think about all of the things that could have gone different, or “better”. I become anxious, and begin to downgrade myself before I even know what is going on. The result of this is a sense of insecurity in my ability to portray Christ to this world. The result is an astounding fear of man. NOW it sounds unhealthy right?
Remember, I am alone in my thoughts tonight, and also tired of feeling inadequate. So I do what I always do, just sit in silence waiting for God to finally say, “I told you so”, in such a graceful way. He took a while tonight. So here we are, 1 AM, finally having the revelation I was craving! He led me to the song, “Who You Say I Am” by Hillsong Worship. Also, He led me to the following verses:
“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ. In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.”
??Ephesians? ?1:4-12? ?NIV??
Why do I pressure myself into attempting to reach a level of perfection alone that only God can get me to? Striving for what we should, but doing it the wrong way. I know my feelings come from the lies of the enemy; I know they do. It simply takes me time to come to my senses and remember that I am a child of God, and He has made me blameless in His sight. Remembering that I am useful as long as I keep my eyes set on the kingdom. I am adequate and able to be used by the Father to reach the lost and hurting that I come in contact with because I am who He says I am.
I say all of this to let you know that you have such a great purpose. And though you may feel inadequate, or useless, God is waiting on you to accept His loving grace and walk in this crazy journey with Him. Maybe you are walking in a lot of confusion right now as to what God has set out for you in your ministry of life, feeling as if you are not useful when it comes to speaking to strangers, or dealing with children’s ministry, or building churches. Understand that God had a plan written for your life even before this earth was formed. He just wants you to say, “I am ready.” I can say first hand this is not easy. Satan will throw some pretty tough curveballs at you, but I guess it takes laying in bed in silence hoping God’s tender voice breaks through reminding you that He loves you, and that you matter for you to see that.
Because He does, and you do.
Humbly,
Preston
