“Start where you’re stuck”
This quote is from a book called Cold Tangerines. It has been ringing in my head for a while now because well, I feel stuck.
I want to preface this by saying that by no means am I seeking sympathy or trying to complain, I am simply writing the truth about how I feel.
The race is significantly harder than I ever could have imagined it to be. Before coming on the race, it was easy to look at pictures of racers surrounded by cute baby orphans and read blogs about packing and glamorize it all. I knew coming into this, that I was coming to serve, not to be served. I knew that there would be good days and bad days, just like there are in normal life. But knowing something from afar and actually experiencing it are two completely different things.
This past week has been especially difficult for me and I’ve been trying to figure out why. Here’s what I’ve come up with. Sacrifice is hard. Back in America, I did not have to sacrifice much. I lived a very convenient life. If I was hungry, I would get food from the pantry or go out to eat and if I needed alone time, I could escape to my own room. If someone was bothering me, I had the choice to not be around them and I could be anywhere I wanted to be just by the turn of a key. That is not the reality here. (which I was fully aware of stepping into it) If I’m hungry, I have to wait for our next meal. If I need to be alone, I have only a few minutes and often need to get creative to find a spot where no one is (no one can bother you in the bathroom). If someone is bothering me, well I just need to suck it up because well, I’m spending eight more months with these people.
Where is God in all of this?
Here’s the beauty in all of this. I literally can not get through a single day without God. I’ve never had to rely so much on God in my entire life, because at home, I had the world at my fingertips. At home, I would turn to my phone or my room or my friends or my family or Netflix or food or the gym or driving in my car or literally anything else before turning to God. It wasn’t intentional, it was just what I was accustomed to. But here, I have none of those things. And as hard as that is, it may be the biggest blessing of all. I wake up and spend time actually reading the Bible and in prayer- something I would not typically do at home. But it has made all the difference. The Lord is the giver of patience and strength and love and GRACE- all things that I need a bounty of. Suddenly, the Bible is coming to life for me. Verses that I have known for years aren’t just words that sound nice, but they hold weight and meaning. God is starting to become my first resort rather than an accessory. He has been shaping my mind and my attitude, even as I write this. My mentality is no longer “this is too hard”, but is now “I can do hard things”. I have a newfound appreciation for things that challenge me, because it’s where I experience the most growth.
