Here is a list of prayers that I have written in my journal the past few days. Most were written during church.
February 27—Gonna be honest with you God and you already know but I’m super distracted and am getting nothing out of this message probably because he is intensely yelling it. I don’t know God but tonight I’m overwhelmed. Not sure if it’s a good overwhelm or bad. I feel right not in church the prayers are being yelled and it’s intimidating and overwhelming. Feels like a negative yell but I know it’s not. Its simply your fire being spoken through the Pastor. But’s it’s loud and almost obnoxious and I don’t really like it. I don’t care for loud noises. Why can’t all prayers be quiet? Guess that’s not how you always work. Guess I got to be uncomfortable in this situation. I kinda regret praying for uncomfortablilty. Ha. Side note….stressed that my pen just died. Guess I need to stop writing to You. I shouldn’t say that because knowing me I would stop. I’m sorry that I’ve never had a personal relationship with you. That I only went to you for things I needed help with. I promise today that my time with you is non-negotiable. No matter what time it is or how busy I am, I promise to give that time to you and help me to put you before all things, including myself. Help me to step out of my comfort zone and be fully present in you. I pray that my thoughts will be your thoughts. Help me to remember your thoughts are negative or lies. Help me to remove them. Seriously, God, what is going on. I am super distracted by everything going on. Something I’m definitely not comfortable with or even experienced. We have people passing out, shaking uncontrollable, shouting at the top of their lungs, speaking in tongues…
March 2—Here we are God, at the prayer service. What do you have in store for me tonight? I’m here with an open mind. Nothing should stop me from praising you God, but yet I am not praising you. I don’t want to compare myself to others, because comparison is the thief of joy, but I want to be fully present in you like those around me. What do You need from me? Why am I distracted tonight again?
March 4—Hey God, why is this such a struggle to stay focus during worship? Is it because it’s 7am? No that’s not it. This is not fun. I want to be fully present in worshiping you, but I am distracted by everyone around me. The joy they have in singing. The raising their arms in praise to you. Their focus during the Pastor’s message. Why can’t I focus? Something needs to change, but what. I do I remain fully present in You and not be distracted by anything going on around me? I’m not getting anything out of this message, and when I tried reading my Bible, I didn’t get anything out of that either. Why? Help!
After a great message.
March 4—(second service) Thanks God for allowing me to be focused this second service because I was so distracted the first. If I wasn’t focused, You wouldn’t have spoken to me. Crazy how You work like that. I’ve been talking about wanting a deeper relationship with You but I haven’t taken the initiative. And here You are showing me that. Please give me that strength and initiative to step into that faith.
So yeah, if you didn’t get it from the prayers, but recently I have been struggling a lot at worshipping God, and praying to him. I even wrote a blog about it a week ago, on how I WILL step into a deeper faith. But my problem was all I did was talk and didn’t do anything about it. And then Sunday happened. A church message on initiative. I’m gonna try to sum up the message for you, without writing a whole other blog post.
- Initiative means first move. A new plan for dealing with a problem. Acting on your own without anyone else.
- God is the first initiative—He created the earth out of nothing. He sent his son to forgive us.
- We cannot say we can’t do anything because God’s likeness is in us. He is initiative.
- Hinderances to talking initiatives
- Past experiences—We are not a prisoner of the past and we are not afraid of the future
- Inferiority Complex—thinking low of yourself
- Fear of the Unknown—what if it doesn’t work? What if I am judged?
- Traditions—not receptive to change. People’s opinion. Not thinking outside the box
- Circumstances—poverty, hopelessness etc.
- How to unearth your initiative protentional.
- Evaluate your life—find pitfalls, identify your need, don’t accept your circumstances.
- Be BOLD and have courage
- Take Risks
- Be receptive to change—be flexible to accept change and move on
- Develop a healthy relationship with God
- John 15:5 “…apart from me you can do nothing”
- The other four are no good if no relationship is there
So yeah, that’s that. I have been so distracted in worship and prayer life, and have been talking so much about wanting to have a stronger relationship with God, but I’ve done nothing about it.
This is me sharing that I am done talking and will begin doing. I’m done being distracted. I am ready to take initiative. I know that I will mess up. But I know that God is there to pick me up.
This photo was taken one of the nights before church. No filter. God’s beauty is amazing in this country.
