The last couple of weeks here in Sri Lanka we have been in a mountain town intentionally trying to build community with the locals here. Because we have been stationary in one city without any local believers to connect with, our days have been pretty much led by what we think G-d wants us to do each day. Many adventures have come from this and hopefully some good seeds have been planted in the hearts of these people we have interacted with daily. This town is so used to tourists that it surprised many of the locals to see we stayed for longer than a day or two.
Throughout this time, I personally ended up needing to stay back a few days to rest and this afforded good moments to reflect and think upon things our leaders asked of us during an on-site extension of the women’s retreat. So I started to really dive into their particular model of inner healing to see if it could help me with some breakthroughs I have been seeking. Now I have seen many different forms of inner healing/deliverance done and each ministry or organization has their preferred method of dealing with past hurts/wounds to gain freedom from Christ in those areas. This post is not to compare and contrast those different methods. However, something which stood out to me as I went through the process this time around is how I was asked to visualize the memory as if I were back in that moment, answer some questions, and then look back at the moment and state where I saw Jesus in it. For instance, where was Jesus in the room while _________________was happening?
Can I tell you this is HARD for me… I would like to give the Sunday school answer of Jesus is with me so He must have been right there next to me the entire time yet this doesn’t really answer the question. Instead it prompts a new question of “Why am I not able to visualize?” either the memory or Jesus’ placement within it.
For some odd reason, I decided to download some music I used to listen to when I was younger. I guess I wanted to reminisce but what I found interesting is I could sing every single word of every song even if it had been 20 years since hearing it. Why is my brain capable of doing that but not of remembering certain memories from growing up? I joke sometimes that I feel as if I have lived several lives because each season is so different from the previous one but I also wonder if I have this feeling because of not recalling certain things. I know my mother has recounted some things before I did as a child and my initial reaction is “No I didn’t” yet I wonder if I really did and just don’t remember especially when she is adamant about her recountance of said event. Either way…
My prayer is that as G-d journeys with me through the inner healing process, He will bring to mind those things I need to remember. The process is hard but so worth going through. For me lately, renewing of the mind has been easy but it’s the renewing of the heart I am struggling with as it is not in alignment with my mind. My hope is going through the process within this community will bring a deeper form of healing. Regardless, I can testify to the growth which comes from dealing with the hard questions and allowing G-d to heal those parts of your heart.
