What happens when you are presented with all you ever wanted but still must leave it behind in order to follow Jesus?
19 Yeshua said to them, “Come after me, and I will make you fishers for men!” 20 At once they left their nets and went with him. 21 Going on from there, he saw two other brothers — Ya’akov Ben-Zavdai and Yochanan his brother — in the boat with their father Zavdai, repairing their nets; and he called them. 22 At once they left the boat and their father and went with Yeshua. (Matt. 4:19-22)
My situation is a bit different from my squad-mates as far as season of life and family background. Most of them have been talking about how hard it will be to leave family and friends behind for a year missing all kinds of moments whereas I haven’t had to wrestle with those particular issues while preparing to leave. It’s not that I won’t miss my friends and family because I will. It’s more they have a heart for missions too and understand this call before me to go and serve the kingdom overseas. Therefore my preparation struggles have had a slightly different focus…until Christmas!
While visiting a dear sister for the holiday, I literally experienced a near perfect rendition of life which I have been longing for the past several years. My mentor and I have worked on some aspects of relationship building which beautifully played out during the visit. I was welcomed, accepted, loved, knew my role/giftings, operated out of my strengths, and much to my chagrin asked to stay beyond the originally agreed time frame. I could have stayed longer too had it not been for one important packing snafu. The morning of my departure came and my friend says, “Do you really have to go?”. My heart hurt in that moment because all of me wanted to stay and soak up the “gift” before me. My response was “I don’t have to but I need to” and I left despite not wanting to in any regard. Talk about bittersweet!
During the drive back, I wrestled with my emotions because I couldn’t figure out why they were contradicting themselves. Here I had spent a glorious week fueled in and by love filled with laughter, sweet tender moments, and ministry opportunities yet I was disheartened to be leaving and couldn’t enjoy the afterglow of an amazing experience. I was upset at myself for the packing issue because I wanted more time. It wasn’t until I returned home that I realized the packing error was an escape from temptation and I was believing a lie which by nature wasn’t true.
1 Cor. 10:13 No temptation has seized you beyond what people normally experience, and God can be trusted not to allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. On the contrary, along with the temptation he will also provide the way out, so that you will be able to endure. You see I had this concept of temptation as being only towards things which bring harm, sin, or are of no good. How could staying with my friend longer have been a temptation when it was something good? The Lord showed me although it would have been good to stay, I would not be doing what He has called me to do had I done so. I would have been distracted rather than laser focusing in on the final steps of preparation before launch. Staying would have been easy, but sometimes it’s what is hard which draws us closer to the Father.
Speaking of hard- a hard lesson in this for me is not being resentful towards G-d for a choice I had to make amidst the enemy’s sneaky attempt to strike at a core desire. I hadn’t even realized I was in the middle of warfare but thankful to know my armor (Eph. 6) was on during the battle. The enemy wants me to focus on what I’ll be missing while I am gone whereas G-d wants me to see how far I’ve come and how I can take what I have learned/experienced with me into this new season. The lessons from this visit are far more celebratory than defeatist when I view it this way. The lie trying to convince me I couldn’t enjoy where the Lord has me had to be exposed by light and truth (Psalm 43:3 Send out your light and your truth; let them be my guide; let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the places where you live) in order for me to see the beauty in this time of transition.
The Lord allowed me to experience what I’ve dreamed of so that I can go confidently into the new places He is wanting to take me. Even though it may hurt at times to drop the nets and go, I’d rather go than be disobedient. Family is a priority for me but God’s calling is a greater priority.
